


Amusement Park

by cherrychan



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, Seventeen - Freeform, doshi, jeongcheol - Freeform, soonchan, verkwan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-09-11 07:37:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 36,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8969707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrychan/pseuds/cherrychan
Summary: The summer after graduation was something I was looking forward to more than anything. The mere thought of having school at the back of my mind for once was something I deeply needed. I yearned for the long nights awake with friends, road trips, parties, and girls. However, once graduation came, I found myself with nothing to do every day. Until Seungkwan called. "You, me, Cheol, tomorrow morning at 7:00. We're going to break out of this fun-drought and go to an amusement park. You in?" "Anything to get me out of this house, see you then," I replied with a sigh of relief. "See you then, Soonyoung."The plan was set. The day that would change my life steadily approached.





	1. black hair, pale skin

**Author's Note:**

> I also have this posted on wattpad under the same title. My username is windytona. Read it there if you want :)

Waking up a few minutes before your alarm goes off is a curse. No matter how hard I try, I can't fall back asleep, knowing that soon the horrisonous alarm will tear across the peaceful silence of my room. Yet I'm far too exhausted to wake up early, thus I simply lay in bed with my heavy eyes shut until it's the official time to wake up. 

That's how this morning went. 

I woke up twelve minutes before I was supposed to. I sighed when I checked the disappointing time, knowing that falling asleep wasn't an option. I stared at the golden sunlight leaking in through the curtained windows and instead of even trying to fall back asleep, I thought about the plans for today. Seungkwan will pack the utmost unnecessary things, yet still forget sunscreen (which will result in a horrific sunburn, followed by the former screaming so loudly on every ride that he loses his voice. Then Seungcheol will be too busy chasing after girls that he'll never talk to again after today. All while I am left with the responsibility of taking care of Seungkwan and keeping Seungcheol in line, thus forgetting to enjoy myself and have fun. But  _at least_  I'm getting out of this boring house. 

The evil alarm finally went off and I turned it off with an irritated groan. I dragged myself out of bed and sluggishly got ready, skipping breakfast because Seungcheol promised donuts on the ride there. For the day I packed money and a change of clothes, knowing Seungkwan will bring everything else, and then some.

When Seungcheol arrived late, I was hoping that he already got the donuts, however, the only thing that Seungcheol brought me was disappointment. I sat down and yearned to be smelling the pleasant smell of donuts instead of Seungcheol's car's usual smell of stale cologne and angst. 

Then we were on the way to pick up Seungkwan. It came as no shock to me when the boy wasn't ready to go once we arrived. When he finally came out, he was holding an overstuffed backpack in his arms, and his wavy, grapefruit pink hair was made perfectly like always. He jumped into the car, completely ecstatic to go. In fact, he was so eager that he wouldn't stop talking about it the entire way there.

The nearly two-hour-long car ride was a mix of arguing, singing, Seungkwan trying (and failing) to get us to play road trip games, and making fun of each other. Not to mention Seungcheol's frightening road rage, especially once we got to the park. We'd left early so we could escape all of the traffic, yet cars still crowded the entrance.

"Maybe if Seungcheol hadn't taken forever to pick us up, we wouldn't be stuck in bumper to bumper traffic," Seungkwan nagged.

Seungcheol gave him a lethal look in the rearview mirror, "You know what, Seungkwan?!" he yelled.

Before he could continue, I grabbed his shoulder and gave him a stern look, warning, "Listen, I'm beyond done hearing you two bicker. Shut up, both of you, we're almost there." 

The duo quieted down after that. Seungcheol found a place to park the car and the feeling of stretching my cramped legs was refreshing. We jogged towards the entrance, and after paying, we strolled through the crowded roads right towards the fast rides. 

We hopped in a line and while we waited to go on, our empty stomachs reminded us of Seungcheol's lack of donuts. In effect of our annoying griping, the eldest ensured that he would feed us. Then, the non-existent donuts fleeted our minds as we were next in line for the ride. 

 _Why are most roller coasters made to go to fast that the creators of them forget that it only lasts twenty seconds?_ That was all I thought about for the next three rides. Though afterward, it was finally time to eat. Even though the food Seungcheol bought was virtually solely sugar, I was too hungry to turn it down. We took some seats on a bench by the carousel and watched the pretty horses spin and spin and spin while we ate. 

"Do you see that chick in line? The one with the lavender hair?" Seungcheol excitedly asked us.

I couldn't miss that purple hair. It was a thin girl standing in line for the carousel with her friends.

"She's hot," he continued, in awe.

"It kind of looks like a boy in my opinion," Seungkwan admitted, stuffing his face with the treats.

After a closer inspection, I almost choked from laughing so hard. Seungcheol attempted to convince us that it was a girl, but by the end of his argument, he probably wasn't fully convinced himself.

Next, Seungcheol and I had long been finished with our treats while Seungkwan, on the other hand, had bought more and was still eating while we waited in line for the next ride. When it was our turn, the staff stiffly told him to throw the food away, but he insisted on finishing the last bit. With a beyond miffed look by the staff, Seungkwan gulped down the rest and we got on. The ride was slower than the rest, but it jerked us around like rag dolls. I had a pounding headache by the end, but only by the middle, Seungkwan was holding his stomach in his hands and moaning in pain. 

Seungcheol and I rejoiced at the fact that he was sitting alone in the backseat.

When the ride was over, the youngest bolted out of our car and was intent on finding a trash can. Reluctantly, we followed him and rubbed his back while he was hunched over the garbage can. He didn't throw up, which was good to some degree, however, he still wasn't feeling right. Seungcheol offered for him to sit down while him and I went on the next ride, but Seungkwan insisted that he felt good enough to go with us. Seungcheol and I exchanged a look of uncertainty, but the last thing we wanted to do was hinder him from having fun. 

The next ride that we rode was dubbed the best ride in the park. It was fast, long, and had loops. The line was easily the worst though; completely packed and troublesome. It was lines like these that made me regret not purchasing one of the passes that let you go straight to the front of the line. Nevertheless, the three of us thrill-seekers knew that it was worth it, even though Seungkwan felt like he was going to hurl. We chatted and joked while we were in line, and Seungcheol noted how the lilac princess was near us. He also admitted with a sigh that  _yes, it was indeed a boy._ Yet that didn't change his attitude towards him, as he was still grossly infatuated with the boy's looks. I simply tuned him out. 

Once we were next in line, our hearts beat in our throats with excitement. The previous riders had come back into the station with mussed hair and puffing chests and huge grins. They disjointedly exited the cars and we replaced their spots. Seungkwan requested to sit with Seungcheol and I didn't complain one bit, unlike Seungcheol. 

While I buckled myself in, a petite and timid boy took the seat next to me. He had fair skin and short, midnight black hair, and a look of pure anxiety on his face. I watched shyly and silently as his little pale hands fastened his seat belt and adjusted his metal safety bar. 

I was finishing adjusting my own safety gear when he gently tapped on my shoulder. I turned to meet his dark chocolate eyes. The poor kid looked beyond terrified.

"H—"

"Hey, uh... Is it okay if I hold your hand? I-I didn't want to ride this, my friends made me, and uh, it would help if...you know...if I...held something..." he spewed out faster than I could say hi. 

I felt a blush rising on my cheeks from such an adorable question. "Uh, yeah... I guess," I said, offering my hand to him. 

He shot me a nervous smile while he took my hand in his, intertwining our fingers together. His hands were hot and sweaty already. 

I couldn't quite focus after feeling his grip tighten around my hand. The next thing I remember, the ride bolted to life, springing out of the station. Then Seungkwan screaming loudly. My hand being held tight. Darkness, then light again. Upside down, then sideways, a bump, a loop, a sharp turn. His fingers in between mine. The ride coming to an abrupt stop. It couldn't have lasted long enough. 

He shakily peeled our hands apart and I watched him as he avoided my gaze, unfastened all the contraptions on us, and rejoined his friends: lilac prince and some brunette. He had trouble finding his balance. 

Back in my reality, the next thing I saw was Seungkwan emptying the contents of his stomach onto the wooden floor. I got out of my cart and helped Seungcheol drag him out of there and back to fresh air. Seungkwan was practically crying with guilt and embarrassment. The staff were remarkably pleasant about it, which meant nothing to Seungkwan, who continued apologizing even after he'd been forgiven 12 sorry's ago. 

We sat him down on a bench and caught ourselves eavesdropping on the trio that we'd encountered on the previous ride. 

"Let's go to the haunted house!" The brunette offered.

"I don't want to, it's scary!" Mr. Can-I-Hold-Your-Hand whined. Lilac Prince nodded in agreement. 

I glanced at Seungcheol, who was also listening in on their chatter, and he gave me a look that silently spoke, "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

The two of us sprang out of our seats and joined the boys.

I offered to my cute hand-holder, "That's where we're going! If you want, I'll sit next to you again to make it better."

Seungcheol had a different approach: "Hey," he said slyly, leaning coolly against a fence, "I'll keep you safe," with a wink.

I failed to stifle a chuckle while the brunette next to me burst into laughter.

"What's your name?" Seungcheol asked the brunette.

"Hansol," he said awkwardly with a voice too deep for his looks, a smile tugging at his lips.

Seungcheol pointed at Seungkwan, who was currently doubled over in stomach pain and embarrassment on the bench nearby, "You can sit with him."

Hansol raised an eyebrow, "Didn't he just throw up?"

Seungcheol pursed his lips and shook his head. Hansol shrugged his shoulders.

"Well, then," Hansol said, "Let's go." 

 

 


	2. a fantasy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> water rides and ferris wheels

By the time we got on the ride for the haunted house, we'd all gotten acquainted. Lilac Prince was named Jeonghan, a benevolent and handsome boy. Hansol seemed the most boyish of them all, wearing some basketball jersey and talking about a sports team he was on.

Chan was my hand-holder. He had such charming features up close, but a timid and reserved personality, despite his close relationship with the former two boys.

Before we got on the ride, we situated ourselves so that each of us sat with someone from the other group. As planned, Seungkwan sat with Hansol, Seungcheol sat with Jeonghan, and I sat with Chan.

The ride jolted to life without warning and we immediately went through a dark tunnel. Suddenly there were flickering lights, revealing translucent fog that was surrounding us. Eerie noises surrounded us: crazed laughter and scarily realistic screaming. We saw zombies and ax murderers and mentally insane people. There was enough fake blood throughout this ride to fill around three bathtubs, though all of this together wasn’t enough to even raise my hair.

There was one jump scare in particular that made all of us yelp to some degree, though some more than others (Seungkwan screamed enough for all of us). Feeling Chan’s hand find mine gave me exciting butterflies, fluttering around swiftly in my gut.

Another room we entered was a crime scene, with blood spattered across the walls and floor and a ghost with red eyes standing over a dead body. I heard Seungkwan whimper behind me.

"Hansol, I'm scared," Seungkwan whispered.

"It's okay, I'll protect you," Hansol said coolly, probably followed by wrapping his arm around the elder.

Two seats away I heard Seungcheol repeat nearly the same line, however, Jeonghan wasn't as impressed. He probably said something along the lines of, "I don't need your protection thanks," but it wasn't quite clear.

The ride continued outside and into a graveyard type scene. A hand popped out of the ground right in front of a grave and the young duo behind me both shouted in fear, Chan solely scooting closer to me. He smelled like peppermint.

We drove by a garden with stone statues, and suddenly one of them came to life with a bright camera flash, earning another wail from the two behind me. Seungcheol, Jeonghan, and I were unaffected by it. Maybe we were a little old for this one, but at least I had the photo to look forward to.

Back inside, there were more minuscule scares that made Hansol and Seungkwan cry out in fear, while the rest of us didn't really react. Chan was a little frightened but not nearly as much as his elder counterpart, which came as a shock to me, considering his need for hand-holding.

By the time the ride ended, my heart was racing. But absolutely not because of the ride. The worst part of the ride was, unfortunately, taking my hand back once again.

As we were walking away, we strode past the photo stand, where we would see the pictures taken of us during the scares. We all rushed up to see the pictures, and they were golden. Hansol and Seungkwan looked so unattractive, their mouths opened wide because they were in mid-scream. Chan and I somehow looked peaceful, his head resting on my shoulder. Seungcheol's arm was around Jeonghan, both of them looking fairly neutral except for a mildly agitated look on Jeonghan's face.

Without hesitation, Seungcheol pulled out his wallet and ordered three copies of the photos, chuckling wildly. We got them then continued walking out of the ride.

"Hansol’s screams scared me more than the ride did," Chan admitted, still by my side. The rest of us chuckled, Hansol blushing slightly at losing his manly looks.

"Let's go to the arcade!" Jeonghan offered. His two friends joyfully joined him and they offered for us to go with them, but Seungkwan declined.

"It's the perfect time of the day for the water rides, so that's where we're going," he explained, brushing the raspberry pink hair out of his face.

Unfortunately, he had a point. If we were to wait any later, we'd end up running out of time for the water rides because they close earlier than the rest of the park, or we'd end up going too late and end up freezing. As a result, we departed, the image of Chan still fresh in my thoughts. That was probably goodbye.

The three of us went down to the locker rooms and changed into our swim gear before getting in line for the calm water ride with the circular tube seats and a slow river to relax on. The ride was very laid back, a good change from the previous wild and exhilarating rides.

It was tranquil until Seungcheol had the bright idea to push Seungkwan into a waterfall when the latter least expected it. Seungkwan ended up slipping right out of his tube, and pulling Seungcheol out of his for revenge. I stifled a laugh, watching the amusing boys fight. Grievously, the duo felt indignant to how I was dry and proceeded to flip my tube over, causing me to capsize. Despite this, I laughed it off and commenced a splashing war. It ended abruptly with a word from the staff. We settled back down in our tubes and enjoyed the placid water. While gently rocking on the river, I watched the sun's incandescent reflection on the rippling water and took the first calm and content breath I'd taken all day.

Chan popped into my mind and I recollected his ethereal beauty. His light and shiny black hair and his rose petal cheeks and coral pink lips. His dazzling dark mocha eyes that I could get lost in. How his hands felt so delicate and flawless in mine. These thoughts flowed freely through my mind, knowing that he would forever be just a fantasy to me and nothing more. I’ll never see him again, and for that, he will live within my thoughts, along with all my other dreams.

I was self-conscious about thoughts like these. But if I just kept them to myself, the dream could last a little longer. Those small hands could have impressions on me just a while longer.

When it was time to see some other attractions, I felt refreshed and ready to walk some more. While we were doing so, we strode by the playground. There were water slides, showers, buckets, and every other way you could think of to get soaked in water.

Something caught my eye near the center. Chan, playing with Hansol under the buckets.  _This dream doesn’t have to end just yet, does it?_

Seungcheol and Seungkwan were already making a beeline towards the boys by the time I caught my bearings. I made my way over to Chan, and right when my eyes met his, a little kid smacked into me and sent both of us tumbling to the ground. My head hit the hard ground, and the child simply got back up and ran away terrified. I then lay there, bringing my hand up to block out the sun, when Chan steps into view, standing directly over me with an outstretched hand. I took it and stood back up.

“Are you okay?” Chan asked, “Do you need to sit down?”

“No, I’m fine,” I belt out, not wanting to look weak, “Kids, huh?”

“Heh, yeah,” he giggled.

I got a good look at his sparkling body and radiant smile and found myself speechless.

“Hey Soonyoung?” he asked, bringing me back to reality. I averted my gaze from his bare chest.

“Yeah?”

My name flowed from his mouth as beautiful as a song, I realized.

“Let’s stick together.”

“That sounds great, Chan. Let’s do that.”

We laughed and returned to the buckets, where the suspense of when they would flip over was more than anything from the haunted house.

Suddenly, Jeonghan came by and grabbed Chan by the wrist, saying sternly, “Let’s go, Chan. Why don’t we ride more rides?” before walking off in Hansol’s direction.

As they walked away, I was left speechless and motionless. Then Seungcheol jogged right by me, following the two. He’s probably the reason Jeonghan is ripping Chan away from me.  _Seungcheol ruins everything._  I reluctantly followed him.

After Hansol was taken from Seungkwan, the latter came prancing up to Seungcheol with enmity on his countenance.

"What did you do?!" Seungkwan shouted, getting in Seungcheol’s face.

“Nothing, Jeonghan’s just rude,” Seungcheol claimed. He had neither of us fooled.

“Probably because you said something stupid like you always do!” Seungkwan barked.

“Guys, not again!” I yelled, putting a cessation to their bickering once again. “It’s not a big deal. We’ll never see them again after today regardless. Now let’s calm down and do something fun.”

We decided to get dried off and make our way over to the arcades to win some prizes. First, we shot targets with water guns and I won a little pink teddy bear. Then, we played games like ski-ball, darts, some impossible ball toss game, and some others. Then we discovered basketball.

Seungcheol arrogantly marched right up to play, intent on beating the high score. On a scoreboard, they had the names and scores of today's top players. The name sitting at first place was, of course, Hansol. Seungkwan grinned.

After a rather dramatic three minutes of Seungcheol shooting hoops, he beat the younger's score by two points. He then wouldn't shut up about it. He kept pronouncing how he was the king of basketball, and how he'd beat Hansol in a fight, for some reason.

As we were walking with no specific destination in mind, we came across the Ferris Wheel. It was a lot bigger than any one I’d ever seen at a carnival or fair. Once you go to the top, you can see the entire park. But everyone knew that it’s mostly for couples. There are even hearts on the carts.

As we shuffled past it, Seungcheol snickered something about that ride being lame. Seungkwan stated that he didn't want to go on it because of his fear of heights. I just shrugged my shoulders and stared up at the cloudy, azure blue sky. It was becoming sunset.

"Wait," Seungkwan stopped in his tracks, staring at the Ferris Wheel

Seungcheol and I's gazes shifted to it, seeing nothing worth noting.

"Wha—" Seungcheol started.

"It's Hansol!" Seungkwan swooned, his cheeks flushing.

Soon enough, I discovered the trio in line. They were talking in a circle, laughing and giggling.

"You know what?" Seungkwan asked, facing us, "I'm not scared of heights anymore. See ya'." He began walking right towards the trio, Seungcheol following him.

I knew that I had no choice but to join them, but I wanted so badly to just bail. I thought it was beyond off-putting that we kept finding them in a park with thousands of other people. I didn’t want them to think we were following them or something. Nevertheless, I followed Seungcheol to the line.

"How do you keep finding us?" Jeonghan questioned us.

Seungcheol made up some vacuous story about how  _they_  were following  _us_ , but Jeonghan wasn't fooled. He probably thought Seungcheol was some stalker now.

Everyone seemed to fall into their own conversations then. Seungcheol was trying to convince Jeonghan to not be mad at him, and Seungkwan and Hansol were arguing about cereal. Meanwhile, conversation with Chan seemed to flow easier than normal.

"Are you scared?" I giggled. He met my warm gaze and grinned the slightest bit.

“A little,” he admitted.

"It's okay," I assured, "I won’t let anything happen to you."  _Was that too cheesy? ‘I won’t let anything happen to you’? I'm starting to sound like Seungcheol…_

For the following minute, I attempted to not say anything stupid while we waited for our cart to become available. Once we finally sat down, I noticed Chan’s eyes nervously darting to my face and hands. I offered my hand to him, trying to act cool like it was normal. He hesitated for a moment before taking it and looking down as our altitude increased.

Below me, I overheard Jeonghan say with an attitude-laced voice, "Um, I have a boyfriend."

Followed by Seungcheol's confident voice, "Not anymore."

I burst into laughter.  _How is he serious?_

"I think your friend likes Jeonghan," Chan murmured to me, still avoiding looking out of the car.

"Yeah. Me too," I chuckled. "And Seungkwan totally likes Hansol."

His lips slightly curved upwards. I could tell he didn't want to be there. With my thumb, I soothingly rubbed his knuckles in hopes to calm him.

When we finally got to the top, I gazed at the enormous park below me. I felt so big, looking at the tiny cars driving on the highway and almost invisible people walking hundreds of feet below me. I'm not scared of heights, so I basked in the view. I watched the sun slowly descend closer and closer to the horizon, striking shades of orange and pink cascading down the sky.

As the wind soothed my hot skin, I felt caught in a romantic moment that I didn’t want to let pass like any other moment. Chan was undeniably different than any other person I’ve ever been attracted to, and as the night was coming to an end soon, I would have no other opportunity to do this.

I slowly moved my head closer to his, intent on only kissing his cheek. It was the perfect moment. But he was caught off guard by me getting closer to him, and so he turned his head to face me. My eyes had already been closed, and instead of feeling his soft skin beneath my lips, I felt his soft lips. I quickly jumped back, my eyes shooting open to see him staring at me with wide eyes and a red face.

"I-I-" I stammered, feeling the most shocked I’ve ever been.

Thankfully, he didn't freak out. Instead, against all odds, he leaned in again, his brown eyes locked on my lips. After realizing what he was doing, I did the same. I brought a hand to his warm cheek, and closed the gap between our lips.


	3. nicotine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the sun sets on the city

The sweet and sour taste of cold lemonade slid down my throat, my hand adjusting on the cold and wet plastic bottle. I sucked down more of the refreshing drink, taking in my surroundings. I was sat on a bench surrounded by five other boys, all laughing and chatting. Chan was sitting comfortably next to me, silently slurping down his drink as well.

The fresh memories of our lips touching was still spinning in my mind like a beautiful broken record. My heart lurched at every remembrance of feeling his lips on mine. Softer than silk, fragile as porcelain, addictive as nicotine. They left me more breathless than any rollercoaster I’ve been on today.

The next thing that we were off to do was shop. However, the glimmering silver necklaces and flashy t-shirts failed to grab my attention, and I ultimately decided to do my wallet a favor and not buy anything. Chan, on the other hand, had his interest peaked by a blue and brown wooden beaded bracelet.

“You should get one too…you know, like a memento,” he suggested, handing me an identical one. He had me sold.

“It compliments your skin tone,” Chan told me after we exited the shop and slipped the bracelets onto our wrists. Seeing our matching arms sent fluttering and fluttering butterflies into my veins.

We regrouped again and bonded over our animosity for the absurd prices of things in the gift shops, though it’s ironic, because every one of us purchased something.

What happened next was simple, yet it was one of the highlights of today. All of us had to decide what to do next, all as one group. And I knew then, that a friendship had really started within all of us.

“I want to go to the zoo,” Chan declared.

“No, I want to ride rides again before the park closes,” said Seungcheol.

I was just _waiting_ for Jeonghan to say _Alright, we’re going to take Chan to the zoo, it was nice meeting you guys, goodnight._ But those words never came. And we stayed together.

The majority vote was to ride rides again, which was unfortunate to Chan, but fortunate for me, because I got more time with him. My selfishness in this situation even caught me off guard, but there wasn’t much else I could do.

The next hour was rushing around the park and taking advantage of the shorter lines for rides and taking abundant amounts of photos, the ones I would cherish for a long time.

As the park’s closing time approached, the last thing we were ready for was goodbye.

As we strolled along the twilight sidewalks, Jeonghan spoke up, “You know, there’s a nice restaurant close by…” He giggled, half-joking, for the fear of being utterly rejected.

“I’d like that,” said Seungcheol simply. My heart went warm, seeing him so happy.

We stayed in the park until the sun had gone, leaving us in the dark. And then we left to our cars, the destination set. The excitement and alertness left my body with Chan’s departure, leaving me feeling drained and exhausted the moment I sat down in the car. Within the ten minutes it took to get there, I was nodding off. And like a battery, the sight of Chan brought me to. Sitting in Jeonghan’s Honda, leaning his tired head against the window.

The air was warm. Pleasant against my skin, as the wind danced drowsily through the sky. I sauntered to the benches in front of the restaurant, the scent of palatable foods wafting through the doors. Seungkwan sat down next to me, rubbing his heavy eyes.

The six of us went in the cool building and got seated at a large round table. I can’t speak for the rest of them, but I felt a sense of imposing dread at the thought of this being the end of our night. I took in every precious moment with care, afraid the second I let them go, I would be back at home, alone.

Chan shifted in his seat to glare at me, and the sight of him was unreal. There just couldn’t ever be enough time to take in the sight of those two endless eyes of his. I could fall into them and never come back out. And with only an hour left to cherish them, I was defeated.

The only thing I could do was ask where they were from. They lived in a town thirty minutes away from my own. I didn’t know how to process that information. This thirty-minute distance could either be taken as an acceptable one or one that’s hopelessly too far away. I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

This—all of this, with Chan, with today—is solely a _fantasy_. Not real. Why stay in touch? I know nothing about these people, only that they make cool temporary friends at an amusement park with hundreds of other people, hundreds of other scenarios that could have played out today instead of this one. It could have been so easy to never have met Chan; just a minute short of being on a completely different ride. To stay in touch would be to hold on to this perfect day, and not necessarily him, only the memory of the person he was at the amusement park.

Likewise, to pursue a friendship, a real one, would be to pursue this beautiful soul that I met today; to acknowledge the gloriousness that today was, and to look past that, to see Chan as more than the cute kid who wanted me to hold his hand and buy a matching bracelet.  

I think too much.

When dinner was over, we all stood in the parking lot, not quite knowing what to say. Seungcheol avoided getting sentimental and just said goodbye. Seungkwan gave Hansol a big hug along with his ten digits. I gave Chan the pink teddy bear that I won, and while I hugged him, he slipped something into my pocket. When I reached for it, he stopped me, telling me to wait until I got home.

Our time was up. I climbed into Seungcheol’s car, my eyes not leaving Chan until he was wholly out of sight. Then, like the flip of a switch, I was out. It wasn’t until the next day when I woke up in bed that I remembered. I briskly stuffed my hands into my pockets and pulled out a soft napkin. Upon examination, my heart was pounding against my rib cage.

Written in attractive, dainty handwriting, there was a phone number. 

 


	4. special

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> soonyoung wonders what chan thinks of him

It was likely the longest amount of time I’d spent staring at a series of numbers. I recalled the events of the previous day—at the amusement park. The enchanting feeling that Chan gave me was still fresh in my body.

Yet I groaned, laying back down in bed, replete with fatigue.

Weird. This entire situation was completely new to me, and I wasn’t quite sure what to think of it. I just met this person yesterday, held his hand, kissed him. That’s not the Soonyoung I know; normally I would figure that I would be too awkward and shy to do anything nearly as audacious as that, and not to mention such blatant affection in _public_.

I wondered what he thought of me. With only several hours to get to know me, what conclusion could he have drawn? If I were him, I’d see myself as cringeworthy. Visions flashed in my mind of us sitting together on the haunted ride and my attempts at looking cool and protective. Then the dreaded Ferris Wheel, and my uncomfortable kissing attempt. But Chan kissed back. That must mean he didn’t view me as _completely_ embarrassing.

I saw him as entirely contrasting from me. The first thing I noticed about him was his overwhelming adorableness. From that raven hair to those alluring brown eyes and full smile, all the way down to his feet. He was quiet, yet his presence was remarkably soothing. Though it was ironic that I thought that because every time I was near him I couldn’t seem to calm down.

I must talk to him again. My mind was made up.

I dialed his ten digits and texted him _“hey, it’s soonyoung.”_ After mulling over what I should say for a respectable several minutes.

Every moment afterwards was a frenzy. Waiting and waiting for a reply, checking my phone every minute. When I finally got a text, I practically pounced on my cell, however, to my disappointment, it was just Seungkwan spamming the group chat. Knowing that the next twenty notifications on my phone would be the same, I surrendered and put my phone away.

 

In the meantime, I put a sizable dent into an art project that I’d been working on for quite some time, and I let my mind drift away as the paintbrush guided my hand. Although, Chan’s smiling face popped into my mind every so often, sending an excited pang into my chest that exploded into yellow colors.

Whilst I was pondering which direction to take my work, my eyes drifted to the beaded bracelet sitting comfortably around my wrist. I placed the paintbrush into a mug of water and played with the brown and blue beads. I felt the detailed wood on my fingertips and spun the beads around and around on my olive skin. I thought of him. I thought of him and his soft and innocent voice, and the slight way his lips curled into a smile when he talked, as if he found a reason to smile in everything he spoke about. And how he giggled genuinely at anything.

Again, I was considerably taken back by how quickly I’ve taken such a great interest in Chan. Liking boys was still reasonably new to me, and the embarrassment that came with it still not completely gone from my consciousness. My close friends knew all about my “type”, however, I found it difficult to discuss anything aside from females.

Nevertheless, regardless of sexuality, Chan seemed all but experienced in relationships. His profound innocence in his behavior made me cautious to even pursue anything more than friendship with him, and not to mention the “golden rule” of not dating unless you’ve been friends for a long time beforehand that I would be breaking. Nothing about this showed itself as a green light.

Shockingly, however, despite the amount of red around me, I had the urge to go.

Picking up my cell phone, I saw a reply. “ _hey soonyoung!_ ”

I did the only thing I could do: uncontrollably grin and read over the heartwarming message countless times.

Step two: reply. Instead of overthinking it like I would normally do, I casually sent him back a cool “what’s up” while trying to keep myself collected. Afterwards, we held up a pleasant conversation. I even learned some things about him. He loves dancing, classic rock and old-school pop jams, he works at a museum, and he wants to be a veterinarian when he grows up. He was jealous upon learning that I work at a daycare center, which came as no surprise to me; he probably loves kids and they all love him too because he’s like sunshine.

He also mentioned his favorite colors, which include the deep blues of the sea, the mellow oranges of sunsets, the rich greens of summer plants, the bright yellows of spring flowers, the grays of storm clouds, the royal violets at the bases of flames, and the playful reds of little crabs scuttling across hot beach sand.

The thing that he said that stuck out the most to me was that he didn’t have a best friend. He surely considered Jeonghan and Hansol as close friends to him, but he admitted that neither of them were quite reaching the best friend title. I related entirely. Seungkwan and Seungcheol are the good part of my entire friend list, but both of them have their own best friends, leaving me single. I don’t hold anything against them for having better friends, I solely wish that I had a best friend of my own. _“Maybe we can be best friends,”_ I proposed to Chan, which, much to my relief, he seemed accepting of.

After some more conversation, Chan texted, _“Hey, so, Hansol is throwing a party next weekend, and if I don’t go he’ll give me crap for it…do you think you could come? you know, make things less terrible for me?”_

Special. That’s what Chan thought of me. And the thought of him at a wild party came to me with the same juxtaposition as a child at a bar. Therefore, I certainly must be there for him to make sure nothing happens. _I’ll get to spend so much time with him_.

I told him absolutely, and he proposed that I invite the other two friends. I was sure that Hansol had already told Seungkwan all about it, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to mention it to Seungcheol.

In the meantime, I had someone _special_ to talk to.

 

 


	5. .:five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chan & Soonyoung meet again ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> //mentions of drugs & alcohol (:

Every night while I fall asleep, I think of the kiss. I replay it all in my head. From the moment he first asked me to hold his hand, to the moment we said goodbye. His presence inside of my mind was like a lullaby.

I thought about him while I sipped hot coffee on my balcony on a misty morning, watching the sun rise. As I gazed at the thick clouds above me, I felt like time was passing especially slowly this week. Today was the day of the party. It would be starting at 7 P.M, while it was currently 11 A.M.

I wandered back into my house, intent on getting ready for the day. I was finally beginning to feel better after being sick all week. Sauntering into the bathroom, I turned the cold, metal knob to the shower. I undressed myself and stepped into the steaming water. I hadn't gotten much sleep this week and the warmth of the shower wasn't helping how exhausted I felt. I put a hand on the tile wall to hold myself up while I let the hot beads of water crash upon my back and slide down my body. When I was finished, I wrapped clean white towels around my body and returned to my room to make myself look good for my crush.

I've mentioned previously that I'm an active guy. I'm not overweight. But I really have a passive aggressive attitude towards my body. Sometimes I call myself hot and sexy and ponder why I'm single. Then, sometimes I look at my thighs and feel disgusted with myself. Seungkwan calls himself, Seungcheol, and I "The Thick Three," and I get it. We all happen to have big thighs. I get it. And "thick" is meant to be a compliment, but it doesn't change the fact that sometimes I feel fat and gross.

Sometimes, Seungkwan also calls us "The Super Soons" because each of our names starts with a syllable that sounds like that. I like that one more than _the thick three._ Seungkwan has a nickname for everyone. He calls me Ten Ten sometimes because of my eyes, but it least it's not _Horse Boy_ , which he calls his best friend.

My point is, I have mixed feelings for my appearance. I used to not have any confidence with my face, but I guess it's gotten better since I can look at myself in the mirror without cringing. I say that, when other times I look at myself in the mirror and smirk at my fine looks.

I collapsed on my messy bed after getting dressed and stared at the white ceiling. My chest kept getting warmer all day with excitement. I knew that with every passing second, I was a moment closer to seeing Chan.

I was ashamed of myself for always thinking about him. It was like he held me captive within my own thoughts. It's hard to put into words. I had such a massive crush on the boy, yet I barely knew him. I'd been single for a while but from the way I was acting, you'd think I'd never been in a relationship before with the way I caught feelings so fast. I felt so bashful about it that I didn't want to tell anyone how I felt. Normally, I'm an open book. But now I felt embarrassed, despite the fact that I couldn't control it.

I've said before that I'm not ashamed for liking boys, but I have this internalized stigma that it's bad, that it's iniquitous and sinful and all of these rotten things. I never wanted to stand out in school and get attention, so I always stuck to dating girls. Except _one_ time, when I'd fallen for a boy. I tried to hide it so hard, in fear of getting humiliated by everyone else in my school. For that exact reason was why we didn't last long. He was a really nice kid too, fascinated by music and careless to what everyone else thought. I tried so hard to love him, but I just couldn't bring myself to commit. I was horrified by the idea of being looked at and talked about badly. He didn't care though. He stood up for himself every time someone even shot him a condescending glare. It always shut them up. He was a little guy, but he could tell anyone off. I found myself missing him more often than I would prefer.

But those are old matters.

I had a new boy to worry about, and I wasn't going to mess up this time.

I pulled out my phone and flipped through all the pictures I'd taken the day that we met. I had a picture of Chan mid laugh, and it was by far my favorite. I loved the way his face lit up when he laughed, and how the smile went all over his face, to his cheeks, his eyes, his skin, his mouth.

I need to stop this! I threw my phone across the bed and massaged my temples. Chan is just a boy. He's not special. I need to stop putting him on a pedestal.

The more i closed my eyes and rubbed my skull, the more I realized that I needed to give myself a break. And with a few hours before I would have to leave, I took a nap.

***

Sleeping through my alarms is my specialty. I craned my neck to check my clock once I'd awoken, discovering that I was supposed to have left fifteen minutes ago. I languidly belted out some profanities as I frantically searched for my car keys. Once I found them, I snatched my phone and ear buds and busted out of my front door, fixing my hair and shouting to my parents that I probably wouldn't be home until tomorrow.

After a dreadfully long car ride over to Chan's house, I found myself sitting in his driveway, waiting patiently for him to come out. I shot him a text, telling him I was here. I was too apprehensive to get out and walk up to the front door and knock. Not today.

Chan had a massive house. The front porch was held up by beautiful white columns, complimenting the rest of the white and red brick edifice. I could only imagine what their backside courtyard must look like, with elegant fountains and statues and fragrant flowers. Seeing how Chan's family was wealthy didn't help my confidence with the boy.

I looked down in my lap and fumbled with the thin, white wires of my ear buds while I waited. My heart was thumping in my throat, racing faster than ever. In a matter of seconds, I'd be reunited with the only person that's been on my mind in the past week. And as if on cue, I heard his front door open.

A short figure with the same shiny, midnight black hair and milky skin shuffled over to my car, an obvious look of coyness plastered onto his blushing face. Time seemed to slow down with his presence near me again. I tried to conceal the fact that I felt like the essence of a giddy school girl seeing her crush.

Within seconds that simultaneously felt like fifteen minutes and fifteen milliseconds, he appeared at my car door. I was dumbfounded for a few moments, taken back by his divine presence, before I unlocked the car and allowed him to climb in.

"Hey, Soonyoung," his voice sounded as fragile as a ceramic vase, as if it could shatter at any moment if not treated with care.

I'd never been so in love with hearing my own name. usually, I hated everything about it, but hearing it come out of Chan's mouth made me feel special. As if every word that left his lips was celestial and flawless. Once again, Chan had me mentally bowing down to him.

At the same time, I was so stunned by hearing his voice in person again that I gulped, unaware of what to say. I choked out a _hi_ before putting the car in drive and departing his driveway. Simply him sitting next to me felt overwhelming, so I was hoping I could have a drink at the party to calm my nerves.

"So," I coughed out, "Are Hansol's parties... fun?"

Chan was simply staring out of the window. Without looking over, he responded, "Depends on what you think _fun_ is. There's too many people, there's always a fight, there's bad stuff. But if you're asking about if it's exciting, trust me, it's anything but calm."

I didn't want to ask what he meant by _bad stuff._ I guess I'll find out on my own.

The car ride was mostly silent except for Chan quietly giving me directions, and the hushed music playing on the radio. Surprisingly, my heart rate had slowed down, and against all odds, I felt tranquil. Everything felt so right. I took a deep breath and quit trying to fight my grins.

"Just turn this corner and his is the last one on the street," Chan declared.

There were so many cars in his yard and driveway that I was forced to park a street away. I apologized to Chan for making us late and forcing the bad parking spot. He didn't seem to mind that much.

The closer we walked to Hansol's house, the more nervous I felt. I wasn't fond of big parties. A part of me yearned to be back home, watching a movie in my bed. Chan noticed my unease and asked if I was nervous. I met his gaze and nodded, cracking a disconcerted smile. He laughed, probably jokingly offering, "Maybe this time _I'll_ have to hold _your_ hand." I brushed it off as a joke and chuckled.

The party was, like Chan had stated, anything but mundane. It was absolutely crowded, filled with screaming and laughing guests. There were empty red solo cups strewn all about the place, in areas that you wonder how they got there. For example, the cups on the roof. 

Somewhere along the way, my hand had found Chan's. Our fingers were intertwined as we pushed through the crowds, a quiet place our destination. I suddenly desperately needed some fresh air, caused by the combination of Chan's fiery presence at my side, the crazed party-goers, and the vile smell of alcohol and weed percolating throughout the entire house. I had no idea how Chan had put up with this previously. My heart sank at the very thought of him taking part in the crooked acts that were being performed by the people here. The image of him downing shots or taking a hit of some drug made me feel sick.

We wandered outside and saw the pool, beyond over-crowded. The red solo cups floated at the brim of the restless water. Even standing moderately close to the pool caused us to get splashed by some drunk, topless guy who plunged cannonball-style into the tank.

"Chan!" I could barely make out someone shouting over the boisterous crowds.

Hansol came running up to us and welcomed us, telling us to have a good time. After asking politely, he showed me to the drinks. Without hesitation, I gulped down some whiskey, in hopes to calm my nerves. Chan had left to talk to some friends, so in the mean time I sauntered into the living room.

Much to my surprise, I made out the back of Seungcheol's head mixed in with the masses. I smiled, pushing my way towards him. I approached the boy, tapping on his shoulder.

"WHAT DO YOU WA- oh hey, Soonyoung!" Seungcheol almost screamed into my face, giving me a brotherly yet harsh slap on the back.

In front of him danced a drunken Jeonghan, surrounded by other drunken boys, some who were probably so intoxicated that they mistook him for a girl.

Seungcheol and I chatted some, but it was almost impossible to make out what he was saying over the booming music, even when I tried to read his lips. I gave up and went to go sip some low-quality beer.

With a couple more drinks, I was officially inebriated enough to be apathetic to how annoying everyone was being. As I wandered around the living room, I gawked at people doing drugs. It wasn't just Mary Jane, either. Some of the things I saw made me horrified. I couldn't believe I was at the same party as some of these dauntless people. If this was Hansol's party and all of these drugs were here, it made sense that he did those drugs too. And he's close with Chan. None of this sat right in my mind. I chugged a beer.

Later on I was encased by girls, most of them drunkenly feeling me up. Normally, I'd feel wonderful with all the attention from women, but now I felt like a dud. A hundred of these girls' hands on my thighs couldn't turn me on. I wanted Chan.

 _Chan_.

_Oh, no._

I'd completely left him! For who knows how long?

I burst through the people surrounding me, taking a deep breath and brushing the mussed hair out of my face. There were so many people crowding this house, I thought it'd be impossible to find him. I searched high and low with no luck. Distraught, I took a step outside to breathe.

There was a light summer breeze flowing, the rowdy music muffled by the walls of the building. I leaned against the railing of Hansol's porch, gazing at the peach and apricot colors cascading down the sky, surrounding the setting sun dipping below the horizon. Most of the view was obstructed by houses, but I admired the brilliant colors regardless.

I ran some fingers through my hair, trying to allay myself. I heard a quiet noise behind me and my head snapped towards the sound. Lo and behold, none other than Lee Chan. He was sitting so silently on the porch that I didn't notice him when I stepped outside. He was looking at his feet, twirling some grass in his fingers.

"Chan?" I called out to the boy, taking a seat next to him. His demeanor didn't change. _He's mad at me_.

"I'm sorry I left you. I don't know what happened," I admitted, feeling terrible. When he didn't say anything, it only made me feel worse.

"Do you want to leave?" I asked sadly, "I hate it here."

"You going home?" Chan asked reticently.

"Can't. Too buzzed."

He was silent for a while. I tried to think of a solution to my problem while watching the grass sway with the wind.

"Can I stay at your place for the night?" I asked. When he gave me a disapproving look, I continued, "I can't drive myself home like this. And I'm not staying a second longer to wait for anyone else to drive me home."

Chan sighed, looking back down at the lively grass. I could tell that he was conflicted. I wished I could read his mind. Sometimes you can see right through him, and other times he seems so complicated and indifferent with the choices he makes.

Suddenly, screams and cheers erupted from inside the house and we both stood up to see what the commotion was. I told Chan to wait outside while I went in to find out what was going on. In the living room there was a wall of people with their phones out, recording two people fight. But it wasn't just any two people. Seungcheol was wailing on some poor, scrawny guy. Jeonghan stood behind them both, screaming at them to stop. The room was filled with ear-splitting shouting, giving me a migraine. Seeing Seungcheol like this made my heart ache. This wasn't the same Seungcheol that I grew up with and was close friends with. I knew that Seungcheol had irascible tendencies, but this crossed the line. And with one more punch to the little guy's nose, I left. I ran back outside and told Chan that it was time to go. I'm not going to stay back to see what happens with Seungcheol. That's his problem.

"Wait, we have to get Hansol," Chan insisted, staring inside.

"Why?" I urgently asked, wanting nothing more than to leave.

"He has to stop the fight before anything else happens. Come on, I know where to find him," Chan said, grabbing my wrist and ordering us inside.

We went up a staircase and down a narrow hallway before Chan swung open a thin wooden door. Inside the room were Hansol and Seungkwan, passionately making out on the bed. Once they heard the door open, they quickly got off one another with red faces and swollen lips.

"Hansol," Chan sighed, covering his eyes, "There's a fight downstairs."

Without words, Hansol burst past us and ran downstairs to stop the fight. I stole one last glance of an embarrassed Seungkwan before departing the house for good. Today just wasn't a good day for The Super Soons.

Chan and I walked down the road, him helping me as I disjointedly tried to run. I stumbled across the sidewalk, trying not to fall down. I felt ashamed of myself for looking like this in front of him.

I climbed into the passengers seat of the car and he started to drive to his house. My head was still pounding and all the drinks I had were disagreeing with my stomach. I forced everything down, sure to not puke in front of this angel.

The ride was silent except for the sound of the tires rolling against the pavement. The sun was down, the only colors left in the sky a faint blue and purple.

I turned my head to look at Chan, who was peacefully concentrated on driving home. On his wrist sat an identical bracelet to my own. He's wearing it too _._ Maybe it was because I was tipsy, but for a second I thought he wore it because it reminded him of me. Then I recollected that he wanted it because it was pretty. Not because of me.

A few minutes later, we approached his mansion-like house. He unbuckled himself with a sigh, walking over to my side to help me out and into the house. All the lights were off, which didn't help my already disoriented vision. Chan held onto my wrist and led me up a staircase and down a few hallways and into a bedroom. When he turned on the lights I groaned, the brightness hurting my head.

His bedroom was clean and organized. The walls were pastel blue with white accents. He had a big bed with fluffy blue duvet covers and pillows. Everything in his room suited him. Down to every last detail, every last thing on the shelves.

"Make yourself at home," he said in a monotonous voice. I felt so horrible for forcing myself into this predicament.

"Want me to sleep on the floor?" I offered, not wanting to take his bed away from him.

"We can both fit," he declared, causing a blush to creep onto my cheeks. I concealed a smile while taking off my jacket.

"Want some pajamas?" Chan offered in a sudden friendly voice, while rummaging through his dresser.

He tossed me some soft pants and a t-shirt, saying that they were a little big on him and that they should fit me. With a smile, he showed me to the bathroom.

While I changed, I wondered why a few minutes ago he seemed to be mad at me, but now he seemed to be joyous that I was there.

I took longer than normal to change with my mind still foggy from the booze. But once I did, I looked at myself in the mirror and couldn't help but to smile, unable to believe that I was wearing _his_ clothes, and about to fall asleep at _his_ side.

When I reentered his room, all the lights were off except for a string of Christmas lights hanging above his bed, despite that it was midsummer. He delightedly sat cross-legged on his bed in his pajamas, waiting for me to join him.

"Sorry about the way I acted today," I apologized, taking a seat next to him.

He met my gaze and I felt like melting, seeing his warm chocolaty eyes up close again. He shrugged his shoulders, admitting, "It's okay, because it brought us here."

My face flushed at his words, and at that moment I wanted nothing more than to hold him in my arms forever. With slight hesitation, I gently wrapped my arms around his fragile body, bringing him close to me. I took in his fragrant scent, grinning from ear to ear. At first he hesitated and his body stiffened, but a moment later he gave in and hugged me back. Everything felt like it had fallen into place and I yearned for that moment to never end. I felt serene with him in my arms.

We didn't stay awake for long. Chan turned a movie on but shut his eyes and turned onto his side. I was just as drained as him, so I languidly draped an arm around his body, hoping he wouldn't stop me. Instead, he scooted closer to me, his body pressed against my own.

"Chan-ah," I whispered a few minutes later, "Was I your first kiss?"

He stayed silent for a while, and I was almost certain that he'd fallen asleep.

"No," he spoke.

Something inside of me flared up, and not in a good way. My heart sunk to the bottom of my rib cage. I hated how I reacted that way, even though I couldn't help it. Of course he'd had his first kiss. He's in his last year of high school. I was foolish thinking I'd been his first. I closed my eyes again and turned over in bed, facing away from the angelic boy.

A while later, I could have sworn that as I was falling asleep, I felt his nimble fingers running through my hair, lulling me into slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE ANGST IS COMING SOON I PROMISE <3


	6. .:six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Junhui fucks everything up in a good way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a lil filler chapter for u guys in preparation for what's to come next ;;;;)))))
> 
> and i know i promised angst soon buT I WANT SOONCHAN TO BE HAPPY SO JUST BE PATIENT PLs

"Be right back," Chan said, leaving the frame of his laptop's camera. Video calling between us had become fairly normal in the past week. We'd both decided that seeing each other and hearing one another's voices beat texting by a long shot. We'd been doing it almost daily, even in the most inappropriate times. Just like right now, how he was calling me despite the fact that he was at Jeonghan's house.

While he was gone, I recollected the last time I'd seen him in person, almost two weeks ago. We'd fallen asleep next to each other, engulfed in one another's warmth and scent. Chan had a specific smell to him. Maybe it was his laundry detergent, or his cologne, or body wash. But it never failed to draw me in.

When I'd woken up the next morning, I got my things together, leaving him a note on his desk and giving him a tiny and loving kiss on the forehead while he slept. Don't worry, I didn't forget to take selfies of him sleeping peacefully beside me. And no, it's _not_ creepy.

On my way out of the house, I narrowly avoided meeting his little brother, which wouldn't have been good. I wanted to leave unnoticed, saving Chan some trouble with his parents. Fortunately, his little brother was distracted by the TV.

Ever since then, we've mostly been video calling and getting to know one another better. I learned that Chan is basically the epitome of the shy and quiet boy in school who is so diligent with his studies and people always asked if they could copy his homework. He was _that_ kid.

And about that fight, it turns out that Seungcheol was fighting Jeonghan's boyfriend Jisoo. I felt bad for the kid. He undeniably got his ass kicked. But I guess I should feel bad for Jeonghan too, who had to deal with the overwhelming embarrassment from the situation. And of course, Seungcheol's nettling arrogance.

Speaking of Jeonghan, he suddenly appeared on my computer screen, jubilantly greeting me through the webcam.

"Hey," I hesitantly said.

"Hey so I heard that you and Chan kissed on the Ferris Wheel?" his sweet voice asked with a smirk. He brushed his wisteria purple hair out of his face, waiting for me to say something.

But I couldn't. I couldn't tell if all the color had been drained from my face or if it had flushed red. How did he know? The only way he could have found out would have been through Chan. But what if somehow it wasn't, and Chan didn't want him to know? I didn't want to tell him and then have Chan upset with me.

"Chan told me," Jeonghan proclaimed.

Well, that solves that.

"Yeah..." I awkwardly admitted, avoiding looking at my computer screen.

"Awe! That must have been his first kiss!" Jeonghan cooed with excitement, sounding like a contented and proud mother.

"No, Chan told me that I wasn't his first kiss," I skeptically objected.

Jeonghan rolled his eyes and scoffed at my statement, "He tells me everything. Like how you stayed at his house and cuddled a few weeks ago."

"Wait, what else has he said about m-"

"My point is, you were his first kiss. And future first boyfriend. But you didn't hear any of this from me, okay? Gotta' go!" Jeonghan winked, leaving the camera frame. Moments later, Chan filled his spot. He had a bowl of grapes in his hands, and as we talked he would periodically pluck one of the purple orbs off the stem and plop it in his mouth.

"So Chan, I've been thinking," I started, watching him on my screen, "I remembered how you wanted to go to the zoo part of the amusement park, and you didn't get to go. So to make it up to you, I was thinking that I could take you to a zoo sometime. Maybe this weekend?"

I watched as his face glowed up with excitement and joy. He said yes and thank you countless times and it made me so happy to see him smile like that. His happiness is contagious. It seemed unimaginable for anyone to feel melancholy around him.

"This Saturday, I'll pick you up at noon. We'll get lunch then go see some animals," I declared. He didn't object.

***

My phone buzzed one day while I was talking to Chan on the phone. I picked it up, expecting it to be something from Seungkwan, but it was from another one of my good friends.

_Hey! You're invited to my birthday party this Saturday! I hope you show up!_

Of all days, Junhui, you get born on the day that I'm supposed to have my date?

"What's wrong?" Chan inquired, noting my shift in mood.

"My... my friend Junhui..." I attempted to explain, not being able to string words together to form a sentence.

"What is it?" He pressed, concern evident in his tone. "You can tell me."

How did he expect me to tell him that one of my good friends was having a birthday party the one day I want to do something with him? I know that as soon as I tell him, he'll say that the birthday party is more important than our date.

"Soonyoung! Just tell me!" Chan laughed, ignorant to how astronomical this predicament was.

"My friend Junhui is having a birthday party this Saturday," I finally admitted, sighing in defeat.

"Okay, let's just go to the zoo Sunday then," Chan declared.

I almost felt dumbfounded at how quickly he was to brush it off. "Wait, but how will you get here? Didn't you already buy a train ticket? We both know you can't drive here; your parents would never allow it. And if I come to pick you up Sunday, we'll have almost no time at the zoo."

"Yeah..." Chan drawled, deep in thought.

Suddenly, his face lit up with an epiphany. "Would it be okay if I still come up on Saturday, and go to the party with you? Then I can stay the night at your house and we can still go to the zoo in time to see everything!"

I had to fight so hard to not jump up and down right then and there, with how overjoyed I was at his plan. It wasn't even just that he solved the problem, but _how_ we'd be solving it.

_I'm so lucky._


	7. .:seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a turning point in soonyoung's life ͡º ͜ʖ͡º

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought this was going to be a short chapter and then it turned out to be 5000 words god save me im in too deep

Waiting patiently is not something I'm good at. Sitting on a hard bench for forty-five minutes at the train station wasn't too pleasant for me. As I shivered in the cold station, I frantically searched each face that I saw for Chan. He was taking forever, and knowing me, I always jump to worst case scenarios. _HE'S BEEN KIDNAPPED. HE'S PROBABLY ALREADY TIED UP IN THE BACK OF SOME MALICIOUS GUY'S VAN, CRYING OUT MY NAME. HE'S GONE FOREVER, AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT._ Somehow, as if on cue, my erroneous thoughts were demolished when I picked out his face in the crowd. My phone buzzed in my hands, and I looked down to see a text from him, _where u at_

I stood up and went to greet him, a grin growing on his face once our eyes met. I grabbed his hand and we winded through the crowd, making a line for my car. We both climbed into the vehicle and chatted while driving home.

The reason that he had to come by train was because of the distance between our two cities. Neither of us wanted to waste the time doing the commute to there and back twice, so we made a compromise with the train. That way he could get here fast and safe, and his parents wouldn't have to worry about him getting lost or in an accident. A great plan, really. Chan was marvelous at coming up with them.

Ever since we've been doing the almost daily video calling, I've found myself missing his presence more and more with each call. Now that he was sitting right next to me, I felt serene. He looked just as elated with his blushing cheeks and bright, dazzling eyes. And with an unshakable grin on my face, I drove. I drove without a single unsettling thought in my mind.

I thought about what Jeonghan had said, about me being Chan's first kiss. Chan had told me himself that I wasn't. But Jeonghan was closest to him, so he would know about any other kisses that Chan has had. But why would Chan lie to me? Did he just want to seem cooler by saying he's experienced? Did he think that I'd make fun of him?

For the first time, it finally registered that I'd given him his first kiss. The kiss that he'll remember for the rest of his life. If you count the first-first kiss (A.K.A the failed kiss because I was aiming for his cheek), then he had a terrible first kiss. The one immediately after was much better, trust me. But I guess having a funny yet good first kiss was acceptable. It'll make for a good story for some night when Chan is playing truth or dare with some loser friends and they ask about his first kiss.

 _Oh yeah, this super hot guy Soonyoung totally kissed me. It was amazing. I fell in love,_ I imagined him saying.

"Let's get ice cream!" Chan suddenly exclaimed, making me nearly jump out of my seat. Chan was gawking at a parlor that we were driving by. Is denying this kid ice cream even a choice? I turned the car around and pulled into a parking spot after pulling _myself_ together.

We wandered inside and our eyes soaked in the various bright colors plastered on all the walls, and the seemingly endless choice of flavors and toppings. Neither of us could settle on just one flavor, so we both ended up with large cones with several flavors in them. Some of the flavors probably shouldn't have been together, but I just couldn't make up my mind. We took our seats at one of the shiny, rounded silver tables, bearing the cold cones in our hands. I didn't fail to notice the light blue and brown beaded bracelet sitting around his wrist. I grinned when I peered at the matching one on my own.

We each decided to not get flavors that the other person got, so we could try as many flavors as possible, and that meant sharing. I had absolutely no objection to this. As I brought my palatable ice cream cone to his smiling face, our eye contact didn't cease. Even once he—quite seductively, to say the least—licked all along the edge of the cone. The only way he could have made it more obvious of his intentions would have been to wink, which by the way I thank God he didn't do. I swear the parlor precipitously increased ten degrees. My eyes bolted to the table as I jerked my arm back, feeling the sensation of my face being on fire.

"You okay?" His innocent voice shattered my sinful thoughts. I met eyes with him and nodded, flashing him a fake smile as I rubbed the nape of my neck with my free hand. I wanted to scold myself just for the disgraceful thoughts even being in my mind. Yet a part of me was so overwhelmingly shocked by his audacious actions that I thought I'd just imagined it all, what I thought his intentions were. After all, he was acting like nothing even happened.

Suddenly he started giggling and I averted my eyes back to his face to see a dollop of light blue ice cream on the very tip of his nose. I don't even know what happened, but in that moment of hearing his sweet laughter and seeing his silliness... If I hadn't already fallen for Lee Chan, I knew in that moment that I was at the point of no return. This boy has to be mine. I don't know what I'd do if he ever wasn't. There was not one cell in my body that didn't want him.

***

Soon we were back on the road again, headed to Junhui's for the party. We should be able to show up right on time. I felt stellar in every aspect. I'm finally getting to spend time with my crush, not to mention the fact that he's _staying the night._ At my house. In my bed. Next to me. I couldn't even put into words how outstanding I felt about that. I just wanted to jump up and scream. A lot of times when I get really excited or energized, my hands will shake. Let's just say that I had a very firm grip on the steering wheel. Totally not because that if I didn't, we'd go flying off the road.

"So, who's Junhui, anyway?" Chan skeptically asked me.

"He's a great friend of mine. We met in dance classes a few years ago," I gave a brief description. "He's a very nice guy, really. I think you will get along fine."

Junhui truly was a wonderful boy. He'd been here for me through so much, and I knew that I couldn't blow off his party. He means a lot to me, even though we don't particularly constantly stay in touch. I feel like everyone has a friend like that, that they will stick by forever, even though they don't talk often. Recently I haven't been talking to a lot of people besides Chan. I guess I have a lot on my mind, so I've been withdrawn. Even Seungkwan stopped spamming the group chats once no one was replying to him.

"Who all's gonna' be there?" Chan continued.

"Not sure. I know Junhui's roommate will be there. I think Seungkwan and Seungcheol will be there. Some other friends. But don't worry, I promise I won't leave you this time," I explained, giving him a sincere smile. In return his lips graciously curved upwards and his eyes fluttered shut.

The summer air was whipping by as I drove on the highway, callously playing with our hair. I never wanted this day to end. I wanted Chan to be my by side forever. I pulled up to Junhui's house, just a few minutes after the party was scheduled to start. Chan and I exchanged a look of optimism while we unbuckled ourselves.

Now the nettlesome four hours was beginning. Don't get me wrong, the party was fun. Junhui was happy and he had a great birthday. But—by God—I just could not focus with Chan standing so close to me without actual contact. His hand lingered a little too close for comfort to mine, and I had to fight everything within me to not wrap my fingers around his. The video calls weren't cutting it. I needed physical contact, and now I was suffering, my respect for Chan outweighing any of my desires. I just wanted to touch him, to feel our skin pressed together in any way. Before today I told myself that I was going to be dauntless with him, and I was going to take chances. Now that he was here, all my daring ambitions had fled. His perilous presence shrunk me down into nothing.

We strode up Junhui's patio and knocked on the door, waiting only seconds before the merry dirty-blonde boy swung open the door wearing his beloved, dazzling smile. He was handsomely tall and clean-cut. His warm aura enticed me. Junhui had an effect over everyone around him; it was unexplainable. If you ever met his gaze, it was like he took over your body. As I stared into his dark sepia eyes, I felt so vulnerable. He was staring right into my soul. I felt then like he knew all my secrets and desires, like he knew everything I wanted to hide. His lips curved into a smirk and he looked away. I knew my face had flushed red and my palms were sweaty. I'd completely forgotten about the way Junhui made me feel. If I'd known, I might have waited an hour or two to show up.

"Who's this?" Junhui cordially asked towards the boy timidly standing beside me.

"I'm Chan," he quietly introduced himself. 

Junhui shook his hand, seductively speaking, "It's my pleasure." I wouldn't be surprised if he winked afterwards.

"Well, come on in," Junhui drawled in a rather deep voice. As we walked inside, I couldn't even meet Chan's eyes, I felt so abashed.

It wasn't like I _liked_ Junhui. Or at least that's what I told myself. I never really took the time to think about how I felt about him. Besides, it didn't matter. I had Chan, and everyone had heard the rumors floating around about the relationship between Junhui and his roommate. Whenever anyone asked if they were a thing, Junhui would only shrug his shoulders and stifle a smirk. 

Knowing Junhui, they might only be a thing under the sheets (as painful as it is to say). I never said this out loud, but you could tell just by looking at the duo who topped; Junhui was obviously dominant. On another note, Junhui wasn't only a huge flirt with guys. He had absolutely no preference with whom he pursued. I wouldn't be surprised if he brought home prostitutes. _Gosh, I really need to stop thinking about him making love._

"Ew," I murmured under my breath, clenching my eyes shut in disgust. When I opened them again, I put on a fake smile and wrapped my arm around Chan's shoulders.

For a while we just meandered around the party, prattling with people and introducing Chan to everyone. I had a little feeling that they'd be seeing Chan more. I talked with Seungkwan a lot, which was nice. It made me feel a lot more levelheaded knowing that Chan could also talk to him without being shy.

Seungcheol was hanging around his best friend and roommate Mingyu the majority of the time. I chatted with them a few times but since I wasn't closely acquainted with Mingyu, I felt a little weary. I basically only made small talk, including asking where Mingyu's boyfriend was. I had almost never seen Mingyu without his boyfriend wrapped around him. He said that he wasn't big on parties, so he refused to come. Mingyu wasn't going to miss out on the party though, since he was also good friends with Junhui.

Soon after that conversation, I started to feel like a third wheel. Seungcheol and Mingyu were best friends. And I wanted to be with _my_ best friend.

I jubilantly bounced over to Chan and Seungkwan, nearly tackling the small boy. He let out some giggles that made my heart do back flips. Once we calmed down, I finally acknowledged Seungkwan's existence again, feeling bad for making _him_ the third wheel now.

"Hey Seungkwan!" I exclaimed.

"Hey Ten Ten," he smiled back.

"Ten Ten?" Chan quizzically questioned.

"Because my eyes," I explained, pointing to them.

"Aw, cute," Chan cooed.

"How's Hansol?" I asked Seungkwan, considering the last time I saw them together they were erotically making out.

"He's fine. I haven't seen him since the party though," explained Seungkwan, pushing the raspberry hair out of his face.

"Have you guys been talking?"

"Yeah," Seungkwan declared, looking at the floor. He seemed unsure about his statement.

"Is something wrong? Do I need to beat someone up?" I quickly asked. He met my eyes with a panicked look.

"No, everything's fine! He's just busy a lot. I miss him," Seungkwan sincerely admitted. I nodded my head in belief.

Suddenly everyone was escorted into the kitchen to sing Happy Birthday to Junhui. His dark brunette roommate was joyfully holding the lighter to light the birthday candles. He had a sweet smile and messy hair that somehow always suit him no matter how he styled it.

With one last candle being lit, he started to sing in his harmonious and melodic voice. Everyone joined in as Junhui smiled contently in his seat. Chan stood at my side and sang along as if he had nothing to be shy about. I admired how good he was around crowds, even though he wasn't good with one-on-one situations. I was the polar opposite. Crowds made me want to shrivel up into nothing.

Junhui's roommate passed out pieces of cake and talked with everyone. Once he got to Chan and I, he happily introduced himself, "Hi, I'm Minghao. You are?"

Chan and I both blurted his name out at the exact same time, causing both of us to cackle. Chan took the plate of cake and shook Minghao's hand, stifling laughter as he shook his hand and formally introduced himself.

"Nice to see you finally got yourself someone, Soonyoung," Minghao winked, walking away. I rolled my eyes, yet unable to shake the grin on my face. Merely the idea of Chan being mine made me simper. 

Chan and I sat down at the counter, both eating from the one piece of cake. We shared little jokes and anecdotes from our lives and we genuinely laughed together. I almost swore I could feel my heart sinking deeper and deeper in infatuation with this kid.

I can't even explain how badly I wanted to hold his hand. I endlessly gazed at his slender fingers, trying to fight the defensiveness of my mind and just go for it. But if Chan didn't want it, I would have ruined all my chances of doing it. Yet why _wouldn't_ he want to hold my hand? I'm not trying to sound arrogant, but let's be honest: if he didn't like me, he wouldn't be here. Then again, he could just want to be friends. Ugh, just forget it. I'll settle to suffer some more instead of taking that chance.

"Who's up for DDR?!" Junhui shouted through the house. Chan stopped mid-sentence, his ears perking up like a rabbit's at the mention of the dancing game.

"Me!" he yelled with a mouth stuffed with cake.

He rapidly scarfed down the rest of the treat and ran into the living room, volunteering to a game of Dance Dance Revolution. I reluctantly followed him in, watching as Junhui laid out the other dance pad. Chan, of course, started to stretch.

"Bet you won't beat my high score," Chan smirked at me.

"Oh, is that a challenge?" I inquired.

"You bet it is!" he arrogantly exclaimed, stepping onto the platform.

I angrily huffed while he got on the dance pad next to Junhui. Minghao came and stood next to me right before they started the dance.

"Soonyoung and Minghao will play next, then the winners will play," Junhui suggested as the music commenced.

The arrows rose up on the television screen and the two competitive boys hit the corresponding arrows on the dance platform with expert timing. Soon, a crowd gathered around the duo as they moved in flawless and impeccable sync. Junhui was much taller than Chan, yet they danced the exact same regardless.

Dancing wasn't new for Junhui, as I've mentioned before. But I was still surprised to see him doing so good. So good, in fact, that he was 2000 points ahead of Chan. The younger tried desperately to push ahead of the dirty-blonde. By the end of the song, Junhui was still 1000 points ahead of Chan. He triumphantly stepped off the platform and high-fived some friends while Chan stuck his tongue out at him behind his back. I chuckled at him as he shuffled over to me with a heaving chest.

"I'll get you some water," Junhui politely offered, jogging into the kitchen.

Chan and I sat down on a nearby couch while we waited for Junhui to return.

"You did great!" I encouragingly patted him on the back. He simpered and nodded, putting his hands on my shoulder and resting his head against my arm. He was so tuckered out and I kind of lost the desire to play DDR, and instead let him rest on me.

Minghao was impatiently waiting for me to join him on the platform, but I had my crush touching me for the first time all day, and I didn't think I'd ever be ready for that to end. 

Unfortunately, our precious moment came to a cessation once Junhui returned with a large mug of water for Chan, while simultaneously chugging down his own. Chan quit leaning on me to take the water and wish me luck.

"I'll do fine as long as you cheer me on," I flirted while making my spot on the pad.

I nervously sauntered up to the platform and Minghao picked one of the easier-yet-still-challenging songs, and we began. Normally I would have felt like I was in my element, but I now I felt disconnected. I was so centered on impressing Chan that I couldn't properly focus for the first part of the dance. Once I started to hear him calling out my name and cheering for me, I felt like I was filled with energy. I started to hit every move right on time and Minghao fell behind.

"Are you a dancer?" asked Minghao while he danced.

"Used to be," I responded absently, focused on the game. "Are you?"

"If playing this almost every day counts." I would have laughed if I wasn't to entranced in the game, and if I even had breath.

When the song ended, I'd won by a long shot. Minghao and I shared a friendly hug before we left to get drinks. Luckily, Junhui had thought ahead and had water ready for us once we were finished. I sat down next to Chan and he congratulated me while I slurped down my drink. I smiled lovingly at him right before Junhui came up to me. He gently shook my shoulder to get my attention and when I looked at him he entranced me once again with his alluring gaze. He made me completely disoriented.

"Let's go," he commanded, a sly smirk on his face. I pondered if his lips were in perpetual smirk. He took my hand and led me onto the dance floor, a thousand thoughts coursing through my mind. It was as if solely his touch intoxicated me, and made me wasted.

By the time he let go of me and I'd recollected my thoughts, I could only take a mere glance at a shyly smiling Chan back on the couch before the song started. It wasn't the same difficulty that Minghao chose. It was one of the hardest songs, on the hardest difficulty. I wouldn't have felt so discouraged if I hadn't just been ripped away from Chan, by such a mysterious and spellbinding boy.

I tried my best to focus as my feet swiftly moved across the dance pad, hitting almost every note on time. Even with Junhui's intense enigmatic presence right next to me, I had to focus on the task at hand. I was going to impress Chan even if it killed me. By the end of the dance, I was in the lead by 500 points. Every move had counted and paid off.

After celebrating with Chan, Junhui had put the game away so that people could use the floor to do freestyle dances. Chan was ecstatic to say the least.

"I wanna' go first!" Chan bellowed, running to the center of the room. Junhui asked him if he had a specific song he wanted to dance to, to which Chan curtly replied with Michael Jackson. Junhui didn't seem to be phased by his music choice, as he had Smooth Criminal playing within seconds.

Almost immediately, everyone's focus was on Chan. He danced so mesmerizingly and amusingly. It was like nothing else existed except for that boy. He moved his body with such ease and grace. Even while dancing to MJ, he looked beautiful. Not to mention his humongous grin which was just as enchanting. Everyone at the party was watching my boy dance. I suddenly was anticipating the cessation of the song.

When the song ended, Chan bowed while everyone whooped and clamored. He was walking towards me when Junhui intercepted him and began a conversation.

"You're a great dancer," Junhui began, "I love the way you move that body."

Chan seemed to be unaffected by Junhui's dark presence.

"Thank you," he deadpanned, trying to get the elder to move out of the way. Junhui was sure to pose no threat and swiftly moved out of the younger's way, probably off to flirt with some other unfortunate soul.

Chan's demeanor completely shifted from emotionless to joyousness upon seeing me. Not going to lie, it make my heart do somersaults.

"Ready to go soon? It's getting late," Chan purposed. I agreed, I was getting quite drowsy.

For a while we chatted up everyone a final time before leaving. Seungkwan came up to me alone with a smiling face and asked, "Hey, would you mind giving me a ride home?"

I wasn't sure. I really just wanted to go right home with Chan, and I didn't want Seungkwan to ruin the mood. Besides, for all I know, Chan might not want him there either.

"I was just going to take Chan home with me. Is it okay if you find someone else to do it?" I admitted as friendly as possible, not wanting to offend him.

"Oh, yeah, that's fine! Seungcheol already had me covered but he won't be leaving for a while so I was hoping I could leave a little sooner. But it's fine! Drive home safely!" Seungkwan giggled. I lovingly smiled in a brotherly way and patted his back.

Seungkwan sauntered off somewhere just as Chan returned from talking with Minghao.

"Did I miss anything?" he inquired.

"Just Seungkwan asking for a ride. I said no," I informed him.

"What? Why?"

"I just want to go back home. And I thought you'd want the same."

"No, that's not true. Where'd he go?"

I pointed him in the right direction and he jogged off, intent on taking back my words. I reluctantly followed, wading through the thin crowd.

"Seungkwan!" Chan called out. The pomegranate-haired boy stopped in his tracks to speak to Chan.

"Soonyoung was being silly. We can take you home," Chan amiably offered.

"No, really, it's fine. Seungcheol has me covered. I can survive an extra hour here. Thanks for the offer though!" Seungkwan evaded.

Chan pouted but turned around towards me and said he was ready to go.

As we were walking out towards the car, I abruptly had a horrible, gut-wrenching feeling in my body. I felt a dreadful ball of anxiety in my chest, making it hard to breathe. My stomach felt like it was going to implode. Tears welled up in my eyes from the pain and the overwhelming sense of sadness. Something wasn't right. I nearly fell down at the strange morph in my body. Chan noticed my disconcertion at once.

"Oh, Soonyoung..." worried the younger, grabbing my hand to help me stand. I felt like I was going to faint, or vomit, or both.

"Are you okay? Do you need me to drive?"

I couldn't bring myself to talk so I weakly nodded as Chan helped me in the passenger's seat.

I began to feel a little better once Chan started driving, but the horrible feeling in my mind didn't leave. Something was just not right. I pulled out my phone, opening Seungkwan's contact.

 _Hey Kwan. Sorry we didn't give you a ride. You're a great friend. Text me when you're home safe. Love ya_ , I messaged him. It helped ease my worried mind. If only I knew then that I would never receive that message.

In the meantime, Chan and I conversed as he drove us home.

"I didn't like Junhui," said Chan, rather bluntly.

"Why not?"

"I could tell there was something intimate between you two."

Who lit my skin on fire?

"No!" was all I could say. No other grammatically correct sentences could form in my head.

"Soonyoung, it's fine," Chan absently chuckled, "I just didn't like the way he looked at you. He looked at you the same way that you look at me."

I didn't know how to take it. At that moment I didn't yet fully realize that Lee Chan was jealous over me. Then, I was so fixated on the fact that he noticed the way I looked at him. Wait, how do I look at him? Is it creepy? I felt so embarrassed by it, which Chan unmistakably noticed. It made him giggle. 

Once we reached my house, he turned off the car and helped me out. The terrible feeling had merely dulled down, most of it still there, churning and smoldering in my body. Chan and I rushed inside and to my room, careful not to wake my parents. 

He noticed a framed picture from the haunted ride at the amusement park. He picked it up in his hands and smiled, admiring how he looked as he leaned on my shoulder. 

"I wish I had a copy," he mumbled, setting it back down on my desk. Meanwhile, I was turning on a trivial movie that we wouldn't even end up watching. 

Just as the younger had done, I tossed him some pajamas and pointed him towards the bathroom as I changed into homey clothes myself. I was sure to be waiting in bed once he returned. I noted a small blush settle on his cheeks once he walked in. Seeing him in my clothes made him look nearly irresistible. Every single cell that made up my body wanted him. No, needed him. When he sat down next to me on my bed, I watched as the light emitting from the TV reflected on his olive skin. My eyes trailed up to meet his, an indecipherable look painted on his face. He almost looked emotionless, yet unsure of something. I'm almost certain that I looked the same. 

 _Kiss him_ , I heard in my head over and over again. In a matter of seconds, I weighed the pros and cons; the possibilities. I brought a hand up to his cheek and stroked it with my thumb. As a result, I felt his skin heat up underneath my fingertips. My gaze flickered to his wet lips, and I wondered if they always looked this seductive. 

It happened almost synchronously, both of our heads moving closer together. Our eyes fluttered shut as his soft lips connected with mine. It felt like my heart had left my body and flown to the moon. I was melting under his touch. His hands came up to my face as we continued the kiss, our lips moving in flawless sync. My heart was beating so unsteadily as my mind raced. My hands moved to his waist and I laid him down below me, careful not to break the contact between our mouths. For a beginner, I was struck by how well he kissed me. My mind was cluttered with thoughts yet I still wasn't able to think. His hands were roaming up and down my back, my hands tangled in his hair. I finally broke the kiss, only to continue it on his neck. I was long gone being able to control myself. I was at the point of no return. I gave him butterfly pecks along his jawline, his neck, and his collarbone, thoroughly savoring each pant and light groan that left his mouth.

"Soonyoung..." Chan breathed. Hearing him say my name like that only added fuel to the fire. My hands moved to his hips and I gently gripped them. Unfortunately, I was running out of breath. With one last bite on his neck, I stopped and laid down next to him, shutting my eyes for a few moments. Before I noticed that I was wearing pajama pants and no blanket. With one swift motion, I jumped under the duvet covers, intent on shrouding the area below my torso. 

Chan too got under the blankets and cuddled up to me as I drifted to sleep, the only thought in my mind being how happy I was to have him in my life. 


	8. .:eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> soonyoung actually loses his mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i was gone so long i had to study for/take my SAT 
> 
> the next chapter or two will be dedicated to jeongcheol / verkwan since i havent been giving them much love
> 
> luv u all xo

I woke up happy, to put it simply. I've talked about feeling at peace before, but all of those other times were nothing compared to the feeling that overcame me when I woke up with Chan by my side. I felt nirvana. I admired his sleeping face, and languidly studied all of his features.

There was no desire to kiss him or touch him, only the overwhelming sense of sereneness. For a while I laid there and let my eyes rest on his still body while I thought. I recalled the times we would call and talk about things as if we were children and naive to the things that troubled us. Yet we could talk about our problems with maturity, and give each other advice. We would talk about the things we liked and the things we disliked. We could have an entire conversation on something as vacuous as dust. He could take a boring topic and make it fascinating.

We talked about dance. We showed each other our dances and watched one another with the utmost enchantment. I envied how talented he was, and how well he could move his body. I can't even come close to doing a split!

A warm breeze flew into my room through the cracked window, causing the thin white curtains to dance in the wind. Chan turned over in bed and pulled the duvet covers up on his body. His disheveled, black licorice hair shined in the morning light. I counted the minuscule brown freckles on his olive-toned skin. My black t-shirt was continually on his body, bestrewn with wrinkles. I gazed the thin, brown hairs on his lean arms for a few moments before allowing myself to admire a different detail of his divine body. The cycle repeated.

Last night, Seungcheol had called me a few times. Knowing him, I figured it was just going to be his incoherent and vacuous drunken rambling, so I turned my phone off. Besides, I didn't want to wake Chan with the loud ringer and the bed shaking as an effect of me climbing out of bed to talk to Seungcheol somewhere Chan wouldn't hear. The jump-to-worst-case-scenario part of me felt uneasy by turning off my phone, however I was too exhausted to mind. I had fallen back asleep like the drop of a pen.

Now as I was still laying in bed, staring at Chan's long eyelashes, the thought of Seungcheol possibly being in trouble racked my mind. I sat up in bed and brushed the hair out of my face, taking a deep breath before rubbing the tiredness out of my eyes. I stepped out of bed, wandering downstairs to check the premises for any sign of my parents. I'd mentioned going out this weekend with some friends, but I didn't really give them any details. They just always figured that I only hung out with Seungkwan and Seungcheol. They weren't _always_ wrong, if that helps. Nevertheless, I didn't want to test them. In other words, _Chan was going to be my little secret, for now_.

Shuffling into the kitchen, I turned on the stove. A lapis blue flame mesmerizingly danced on the burner, and I languidly let my eyes soak in the flickering fire. I recalled last night's events, starting with Junhui's party. I honestly don't know what had come over me for all of yesterday. I didn't feel like myself. I never do when I'm with Chan, if I really think about it. I'm normally always shy and withdrawn, and definitely not the type to just start _kissing someone._ That's not me! I'm not bold, I'm timid and scared. I don't know how, but Chan manages to bring me out of my shell. Usually, I'm laid back and careless, to a degree. Now I'm stressed and tense, and Chan is the only thing that can bring me down. _I've gotten myself addicted_.

I sighed, resting against the kitchen counter and massaging my temples. I pulled out pancake mix and bacon and began making breakfast. _I'm such a good boyfriend,_ I laughed to myself. _If only._

As I cooked, I remembered the one time I'd stayed at Seungcheol's apartment for the night, and the morning after, Mingyu was making breakfast in a frilly pink apron. He was such a masculine boy—Hell, I don't even think he was wearing a shirt under it—yet he had a fun-loving and silly side to him. I could see why he got along with Seungcheol so well. To be honest, I felt envious of their friendship. They knew one another inside and out.

Wait a minute—Seungcheol. I'd gotten up to look for my phone but I got sidetracked with making breakfast. Give me a break; I just woke up. I tip-toed back into my bedroom and searched up and down for my cell, trying to remember where I put it last night. I was pretty sure that I just slid it under my pillow or something. It had to have still been in the bed, because it wasn't under it. I came to the conclusion that Chan had to have been _laying on top of it. Great._ Now my only choice was to just wait for him to wake up, because back in the kitchen, my bacon was probably burning. And there was no way I'd feel comfortable waking my sleeping beauty.

I swiftly finished breakfast and set the table before sitting out back in the lawn. It was a cool, summer morning. The sun was indefinitely sitting in the clear azure sky, its rays comfortably settling onto my pallid skin. I listened to the narrow creak splashing and swooshing on the other side of my backyard. The leaves of a large oak rustled in the gentle wind, along with the grass, damp with morning dew. I ran my fingers through the moist grass, taking a deep breath as the dew chilled my tepid hands. Without a thought in my mind, I laid down onto the grass and closed my eyes as the sunshine heated my bare skin, the peaceful sounds of nature lulling me to rest.

Before I continue, I'll have you know that falling asleep was not my intention! I solely wished to enjoy the morning air outside. Yet I was nearly asleep again before I was brought to by the now-awake and undeniably attractive ravenette, gently shaking my shoulder and drowsily smiling at me.

"Why are you sleeping outside?" he giggled in that innocent voice, "Was I really _that_ restless last night?"

I grinned, half in embarrassment because, _wow, that must have been really odd to find me sleeping in the middle of my backyard,_ and half content because I was also overjoyed to see his smile again.

I admired and envied how quiet and soft his voice was. Most times I talk much louder than I need to, especially when I get excited. It's kind of embarrassing. And then his voice is so flawlessly quiet and gentle, it makes me jealous.

He held out a hand to me and I took it, standing back up. He helped me brush off all of the grass from my clothes and we wandered inside to eat breakfast. Fortunately, I wasn't out so long that the food was cold.

"Did you make this?" asked a grinning Chan, obviously taken back.

"Yeah, just a little ago," I admitted, politely pulling a chair back for Chan to sit in.

He sat down and I helped get him adjusted before we ate. I felt sort of self-conscious as he ate my pancakes, but a part of me knew that my pancakes were plenty toothsome. Nevertheless, my worries were abolished once he looked at me with wide eyes and a full mouth, attempting to tell me that he loved them. I just chuckled and told him not to choke. He laughed in a muffled voice and nodded. I watched as the corners of his eyes crinkled slightly when he smiled. Just another thing to add to Soonyoung's-List-of-Reasons-to-Adore-Lee-Chan.

Having breakfast with him was splendid. We laughed together like best friends and enjoyed our time together, knowing that it was going to end soon, yet still not feeling perturbed about it. We were joyous. That's all that mattered. I knew what being happy was, but the happiness I felt when I was with Chan was some other kind of happiness. A kind of happiness that's way above normal happiness, it's indescribable.

Afterwards, we got dressed and headed out. We were already a quarter of the way there once I realized my phone was still at home. I'd never even checked up on Seungcheol. _He's fine. Just got stupid-drunk last night,_ I convinced myself.

***

A few hours later and my legs were hurting like hell. We'd been virtually all over the zoo, taking pictures with our cameras of all the animals.

The zoo was separated by country of origin. We'd been through the Africa part, saw the lions, leopards, elephants, and gorillas. I think it was my favorite. The Savannah always interested me. I thought it looked so wild and beautiful, completely unaffected by people. There were just endless grassy fields and the tall and meager acacia trees, and the colossal burning orange sun in the sky. I couldn't even imagine how bewitching it looked at night.

But I wasn't the only one enchanted by the zoo. Chan had an unshakable grin in his face for the entirety of the time we were there. He was taking pictures of everything: The animals, the habitats, the other people, me, him, everything.

Now we were talking through the Asian part of the zoo and gazing at the types of tigers and pandas. Chan had big heart eyes when he gazed at the giant pandas. He was nearly turning into a puddle with how much he was melting in awe over the cute animal.

Personally, my favorite attraction had to be Chan. Just saying. He was easily the most interesting, beautiful, magnificent... fine, I'll stop.

As we walked to the arctic section, Chan admitted, "I wish Hansol was here."

I glanced at him, showing my interest.

"It's not that I'm not having a good time with you—" he stammered. I laughed it off. "It's just that he would love it here. He's just as much as fascinated with the world as I am."

"Eh," I brushed it off, "I'm sure Seungkwan will take him here sometime."

The corners of Chan's lips tugged upwards slightly as he shrugged.

In the arctic section, we were greeted by the squeaky sound of penguins honking. Chan dashed over to their exhibit and began melting again.

I sauntered over to him, saying in a mocking tone, "Where do penguins like to swim?"

His head whipped towards me, a quizzical look featured on his face.

With a sly smile, I gave him the punchline, "The South Pool!"

Unexpectedly, he burst into laughter, so loud that had to console him. His eyes were tearing up, he was laughing so hard. I was starting to wonder if my joke was even what made him laugh, since he just wouldn't calm down. We were getting some strange looks.

"Oh, Soonyoung," he chuckled, trying to regain his breath while wiping his eyes, "That was _so_ funny." He took one last deep breath before returning his attention back to the penguins.

One waddled up to the window and Chan put his hand against the glass, watching the small animal closely. For a few seconds they just glared at one another before the penguin honked and waddled away.

Chan looked at me with a satisfied countenance, "We had a moment there, Soonyoung. Watch and learn." 

Chan then wandered up to the polar bear exhibit and waved at the creatures inside. I reluctantly followed him and watched as his overjoyed face slowly turned to defeat. I stifled laughter as the gargantuan, snowy white bears payed him no attention. Chan frowned in attempts to hold back his massive grin. 

The rest of the day seemed to pass by in a blur. One minute, I was telling Chan some horrible puns about the animals we saw, the next we were eating snow cones and laughing together and watching one another's blushing faces, the next we were about to leave. Then, time slowed down, almost to a stop. 

We found ourselves in a dimly lit corridor. We were in the aquarium, in a glass tunnel, while the endless marine life swam above and around us. Since it was getting late, almost everyone had left. But, Chan had insisted on coming to the underwater exhibit. Now, we were standing alone in the tunnel with our eyes fixated on the stunning fish swimming gracefully around us, without a care in the universe. My hand found Chan's, and slowly, our fingers intertwined. 

We had strict PDA rules. Neither of us wanted to get a lot of attention when we were out in public, and holding hands was just the way to do that. So most of the time we acted like we were just good friends. A part of me knew that even then, we didn't have everyone fooled. 

Now, this was the first time we were alone since we left the house, and it might be hard to believe, but I was calm. My heart wasn't racing, my lips weren't aching for his, all I knew was that I was happy. I was holding my dearest's hand, completely placid. I felt his gentle touch under me, and I knew that he was calm too. I finally averted my eyes from the blue atmosphere in front of me and I turned to Chan, only to discover that he was standing there with a huge smile on his face and his eyes shut. 

"Why are you closing your eyes?" I quietly giggled.

"I want to savor this moment," was all he said in his soft, innocent voice. 

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes too. My lips curved upwards, and I could do nothing to stop it. There we stood, two blushing boys holding hands in such a beautiful and magical place, unable to even see any of it. 

Time fell back into the haze that it previously was. 

Suddenly we're at the train station, and I'm waving goodbye to him as his train doors close. 

The ride back home was languid and drowsy. However, the moment I opened the front door, everything changed.

My mother came running out to me, a look that I will never forget. 

"Kwon Soonyoung!" She screams, "Where have you been?!" 

Her voice is so loud that I wince from the aching she's giving my ears. 

"Mom, I told you I was going out this weekend," I tell her monotonously, confused as to why she was so emotional.

"I thought you would be with Seungcheol and Seungkwan!" Her high-pitched, grating voice shouted, even though I was only feet away from her. 

"I'm sorry Mom― I was with someone else. I thought you wouldn't mind!" I press. What's her deal?

"You didn't even take your cell phone with you! How would I contact you if something bad happened? I can't!" She continues. At this point, I'm ready to just storm out of the house. 

"What's your point?!" I yell. 

She took a step back, shocked at my sudden volume. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, attempting to regain some sort of tranquility, "Seungcheol stopped by today." 

I couldn't even let her finish. I nearly knocked my shoes off, bolting to my bedroom. 

**Seungcheol.**

I'm such a bad friend! I had known deep down that something was wrong. Guilt filled my body like hot magma. I searched everywhere for my phone, but to no avail. A few seconds later, my mom came into my room, holding my phone. She gave it to me and I turned it on, seeing the plethora of missed calls and texts, all from Seungcheol. 

"Mom... What happened?" I ask, a million thoughts coursing through my skull. 

She met my eyes and at that moment, the same feeling from the night of the party hit me like a brick to my chest. The horrible, disgusting feeling that brought me to my knees. _Something is wrong, something is wrong,_ kept repeating in my mind. The look in my mother's eyes was filled with everything unpleasant. Everything that would momentarily break me down into nothing. Within her eyes was every bad thing in this universe. Everything sinful and rotten, everything horrible and nasty. 

"Soonyoung, your friends are in the hospital. They don't think that Seungkwan will make it," my mother said, as serious as death. 

That was the moment that my world came crumbling down. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope that this was a good choice oops 
> 
> thank you all for all the support, it really motivates me to write more :)) 
> 
> have a nice week stay safe!!


	9. .:nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lil' fluffy filler flashback of the beach!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> attn: i was so eager to upload that i barely proofread any of it so forgive pleaseeeeeeeeeeee if there's any typos or autocorrects or anythign kjgfdkljd

**6:00 AM Tuesday, June 6th. Four days and 12 hours before the party.**

"Soonyoung, get your lazy ass up. It's time to go," Seungcheol yelled, shaking me awake from my peaceful slumber. I groaned and tried to shoo him away, and surprisingly, he obliged. Only for him to nag me moments later.

"Alright Soonyoung, we'll just go to the beach without you," Seungcheol carelessly said, shuffling out of the living room where I was sleeping on the couch.

I bolted up and followed Seungcheol outside, where he was loading up the trunk of his car. 

"Is my stuff in here?" I asked him, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

"No, bitch, go get it yourself," he sassed me. Another groan emitted from my mouth. I reluctantly ran back up the staircase to his apartment.

Mingyu and Seungcheol had arranged a three-day trip to the beach, in the middle of the week, of all days. The reasoning behind it was that Mingyu had a whole bunch of unused vacation days at his work, and if he didn't use them then they would go away forever. So he promptly whipped up this plan to head down to some property that his family owned at some beach that was six hours away by car. Mingyu told Seungcheol that he could invite some friends, so he invited Seungkwan and I. Mingyu, of course, was going to bring along his other half, Jeon Wonwoo, otherwise known as the Emo Friend™. To save time, all five of us stayed the night at Seungcheol and Mingyu's apartment, which was interesting, to say the least. I won't go into detail, but I'll say that if given the choice, I would not experience that again. 

I found my duffel bag and ran it downstairs to throw in the trunk of Seungcheol's small car before wondering how we would all fit in it. Sure, there were five corresponding seats for us five boys, but that in no way ensured comfort.

"Seungcheol, is there a seating arrangement made?" I asked my elder friend, hoping against all odds that somehow I could steal a spot up front.

"Mingyu will drive the first half, Wonwoo will drive the second half. If need be, I will drive. That means Mingyu and Wonwoo will sit up front, and you, Seungkwan, and I will sit in the back. I will get a window seat, so I suggest you fight it out with him now as for who will have to sit in the middle," Seungcheol spewed out faster than I could follow along. Yet I nodded as if I clearly understood everything he just explained, before heading back upstairs to get a drink for the ride.

I passed Wonwoo on my way up, who is carrying all of his belongings for the trip. He is wearing a large black hoodie and a scowl on his face. He always kind of scared me. He had a dark aura to him, and often times I found myself pondering how Mingyu, such a light-hearted spirit, would be with someone like Wonwoo. Yet then again, I never really spent a lot of time with either of them. I had no room to judge.

After filling up a large travel cup of icy water, I wandered around the apartment to see if anything was out of place. I discovered that Mingyu and Seungkwan are still asleep, which troubled me. I didn't feel comfortable enough to wake Mingyu, so I sauntered over to the other couch where Seungkwan was peacefully sleeping. I shook him and put my frigid cup to his neck, making him nearly jump out of his clothes. He screamed in a high-pitched screech, making me wince in pain.

"It's time to go," I whispered at him, which made him pull the blankets back up over his body. I ripped them off and tossed them to the floor. I remembered what I had to do, and I knew that it would for sure get him off the couch.

"Whoever makes it down to the car first gets the last window seat!" I shouted before dashing out of the apartment and down the stairs to the car. Moments later, Seungkwan swung the door open and I smirked at him. The poor kid wasn't even wearing pants. He sighed in defeat, reminding me of a middle child who ever gets what they want.

One by one, everyone filed into the car. Mingyu showed up last, since he woke up at the latest time and had to do last-minute check-ups on the apartment, making sure everyone had their luggage and that their home was all locked up. Lastly, he boarded the vehicle and set his piping hot coffee down before starting the car and beginning our road trip to the sunny salvation of the beach. I speedily fell asleep in the moonlit vehicle. 

I woke up a few times to sip my cold drink and adjust my position in the cramped car, and also to watch the steady sunrise behind us. The horizon was once a deep crimson, but now it was a pale yellow-green, that turned into a thin layer of baby blue before fading into the dark, navy blue color that occupied the rest of the cloudless sky. Mingyu had very faint music playing on the radio, probably only serving to keep him awake, accompanied by his coffee. I envied how he and Wonwoo had so much wiggle room up in the front seat, and back here I could barely even stretch my legs out. At least I had a fluffy pillow, and one large blanket was put over the three of us in the back seat, which was nice, but it didn't change the fact that _I couldn't move_! Poor Seungkwan couldn't even lean against anything; his head was slumped to the side, and I knew it was going to hurt like hell in a couple hours. Despite all of my grievances, I fell back asleep.

An hour or two later, we were stopped. Mingyu woke all of us up, and we all exited the car to stretch our legs and get some fresh air. My heart skipped a beat once I discovered where we were, or better said, where we were _close to_. Just beyond a ray of tall evergreens in the close distance, I saw the tops of rides. The amusement park where I met Chan was just behind those trees! A grin grew on my face once the memories of Chan flooded my mind.

"Calm down, lover boy. That's not what we're here for," Seungcheol snapped at me.

I spun around towards him and saw a hotel with a breakfast restaurant conjoined with it.

"We're getting breakfast," Mingyu explained, shutting his door and walking towards the establishment.

Everything suddenly made sense. It still made me happy to see the infamous amusement park, and it was such a strange coincidence that I see it on the way to the beach. I mean, it's on the same interstate, but still!

Inside, we all ordered breakfast and sat in a large booth in the vacant restaurant and talked nonsense. I kept my mouth shut about my excitement of the amusement park. Doesn't change the fact that I now couldn't take my mind off Chan. Nothing new, though.

After our meals we headed back out onto the road, this time Wonwoo in the driver's seat so that Mingyu could rest. I fell asleep with a full stomach and a mind filled with thoughts of my dearest.

My eyes fluttered open again a while later and I knew that we were nearing our destination. I noticed the tall and thin Birch trees that I only ever saw along the coastline. I cracked my window and stuck my hand outside, feeling the chilly air against my skin. Shortly after, Wonwoo pulled into town for gas. Mingyu was also awake, but the other two boys were fast asleep. I rested my tired gaze on Wonwoo's hand resting lovingly on Mingyu's left thigh.

As soon as the car was stopped, I exited the car and stretched my legs. I sauntered over to the concrete sidewalk and laid down, giving my cramped legs some rest. It felt wonderful, feeling the warm air on my skin, allowing my body space to move, and the sun's rays settling onto my frame. Most of the boys went inside the gas station for some snacks. I even heard Seungkwan shouting, "I have to pee so bad!" while running inside. I was still stuffed from the breakfast, but not as stuffed as Seungkwan, so I solely shuffled back over to the car. Wonwoo was leaning against the gas pump and checking his phone. Not wanting to get all cramped again, I decided to go in the shop and check on the boys. Mingyu was buying some coffee for him and Wonwoo, and Seungcheol was buying candy for him and Seungkwan. I joined him at the checkout and made small talk.

A few minutes later we were back on route to the sandy shores of the beach. We were all wide awake by then, so we chatted and listened to music and Seungkwan _finally_ got his chance to play road trip games.

We finally arrived at our destination an hour and a half later only to discover that we couldn't check in for another forty-five minutes. Instead, we ran to the nearest market and grabbed bunches of fresh fruit and vegetables. Afterwards, we stopped for lunch at a hot-dog shop and ate on benches outside and laughed together as the wind played with our hair.

Finally, it was time to check in. Saying that our house was beautiful would have been an understatement. It had two floors, a balcony, a hot tub, a pool table, a full kitchen and living room, two full bathrooms, and... only two bedrooms. Two bedrooms for the five of us! The total of beds was only three!

I marched right up to Mingyu to nag him about the lack of beds, but as soon as I got up to him and opened my mouth, he shut me down at once.

"Soonyoung, unless if you're asking me where something is, I don't want to hear it. I just want to unpack and take a nap. I don't want any complaints," he deadpanned, brushing past me with his bags. I kept my mouth shut and unpacked.

The sleeping arrangement was made. The boyfriends took the bedroom with one bed, and Seungcheol and I were to take the bedroom with two beds. Seungkwan would sleep on the couch. I felt bad, so I offered for us to switch, or for him to even sleep in the same bed as me, _which I wouldn't be the most comfortable with, not because he's a boy, but because he's_ Seungkwan. _He'd be tossing and turning all night and hog all the blankets! But being a good friend is important! I love that kid! But!_

Seungkwan fortunately refused my offer on sleeping with me. But he said that at least for tonight, he'll take one for the team and sleep on the couch. But other than that, he was rooming with Seungcheol and I.

After all of that was situated, it was time to hit the beach. We brought towels and umbrellas, and those little sand molds to make sand castles with because we are still children on the inside. Surprisingly, it wasn't Seungkwan's idea.

While we all kicked back on the sand, gossip inevitably came up. We were sitting in a semi-circle and Mingyu asked Seungkwan about his relationship status.

"Oh God, don't get him started—" Seungcheol pleaded, but it was too late.

"Oh, Hansol~" Seungkwan dreamily cooed, as if in a daydream, "My angel~"

Seungcheol rolled his eyes.

"Just a few days ago, we saw each other. He took me out for burgers and a movie. Let me tell you the full story," Seungkwan began. Seungcheol got up to go play in the waves. "Hansol drove all the way to my house to get me, and in the car he put his hand on my thigh while he drove! All I could think about was how much I want to be with him and how much I love him. Anyway, we went to In-N-Out for burgers and the way he looked at me just made me feel so special, and he looked so precious. Well, he _is_ precious, but he just looked _so good_. I love his caramel hair and his face structure and the curves of his lips. I nearly melted in our booth at the restaurant. Oh my god, and then we had a milkshake and we shared straws! It was great!

"Then, we went to see the new Disney movie. He bought us popcorn and soda and we held hands during the whole movie! I leaned against his shoulder and he didn't move at all. Afterwards, he took me home, and when we got to my front door, he gave me a kiss. I love him so much," Seungkwan was basically a puddle in his beach chair by now.

I realized a flaw in his story. He's acting like it's his first date!

"Seungkwan, stop acting like you guys are little angels. Chan and I walked in on you guys making out once," I asserted. Mingyu and Wonwoo whooped at the drama.

"Soonyoung!" Seungkwan snapped at me.

"What, it's just Mingyu and Wonwoo. It's not like I just told your parents that you're gay," I rolled my eyes. Seungkwan gasped at the very idea of his parents knowing about something like that.

Some more chatting about Hansol ensued before we got in the water for a while and went back to our house. Mingyu and Wonwoo cooked dinner while Seungkwan took a nap and Seungcheol and I played pool.

Later we ate dinner and joked and clamored; we talked about our jobs and home life. It was a bonding experience. We didn't go to bed until after midnight. 

But that night, I just couldn't fall asleep. I decided to take a step out on the balcony, and when I did, I discovered that Seungkwan was already sitting outside, listening to the waves lap against the shore.

"Hey," I calmly greeted him. He looked at me and shot me a half-smile. "You okay?"

Seungkwan looked back out towards the shore.

"I guess I'm just a little homesick," explained Seungkwan, "I miss Hansol, and I miss my bed,  and I miss my parents."

"You seemed really excited to come here, did something happen?" I took a seat next to him.

"Well, I just kind of feel like I'm getting picked on a lot. By all of you," he whispered, probably regretting his words. However, they cut into me like sharp needles in my chest. _I hurt Seungkwan._

"Seungkwan, I'm really sorry. I didn't know that it was hurting you. I promise I'll make it up to you," I sincerely spoke, directly from my heart. I already had an idea brewing in my mind. 

My buddy nodded and I patted his back before we got up. A refreshing gust of wind flew unto us as we walked inside and away from the starry sky. 

"Do you want the bed tonight?" I offered Seungkwan.

"Actually, if you wouldn't mind..." muttered Seungkwan.

"Go ahead, I'll grab my things."

Right before we said goodnight to each other, I took him into my arms. Ever since he confessed to me about his hurt feelings, I couldn't get the idea out of my head of how dear he was to me. I treat him so partially for no good reason. 

"Love you, Boo. We still The Thick Three?" I told him, the latter part just to take away some of the awkwardness of the sentimentality. 

"Thick Three from now until eternity," Seungkwan giggled, the rhyme obviously intended. 

"Goodnight."

"Goodnight." 

An hour later and I finally turned over on the couch after just setting my phone down, after reading Hansol's text agreeing to my surprise party for Seungkwan. 

I'd never slept so contently on a minuscule couch. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter will be more focused on seungcheol/jeongcheol and then i promise we will be back to the regularly scheduled angst. sorry if i got your hopes up for an angsty update!! love u all tho <4
> 
> ok and about updates: i have spring break next week. that will give me so much time to write but im not going to guarantee that updates will speed up. school is k i l l i ng me. i try to update as fast as i can but yesuihjdjfhjk. so sorry for slow update time, just know im trying my best!!! once i finish the next chapter, we will be back to the angst and that should be fast to write. iujfhdrtjkr ok enjoy


	10. .:nine-and-a-half

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> seungcheol is a loser for jeonghan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i whipped this up in like an hour its probablt not the best i just needed to update ily imt trying

"Jeonghan is different. He's different than any other person I've ever liked. There's something about him that completely throws my game off, something that brings out a part of me that I didn't even know existed. When I first met him, I treated him like I treated anyone else that I would come on to, but after I actually got to know him, I realized that my way of doing things wasn't getting to him. I asked myself 'Is it worth it? To completely change the way I treat him so that he likes me?' Of course the answer was yes. Now instead of everyone desperately chasing after me, it's me chasing after someone. He loves it. 

He makes me feel like I'm walking on air. From the moment I wake, he's all I think about. I think of his hair and his voice and that smile and I could daydream all day about every reason that he's too good for me. And he tells me to stop putting him on this pedestal because I'm just as extraordinary but I know that it just can't be true. No one is as magnificent as Jeonghan."

"That was disgusting," stated Mingyu, flicking sand at Seungcheol. 

Seungkwan wiped fake tears from his cheeks, sniffled, and said, "Seungcheol...that was...beautiful!" 

"Yeah, whatever. That's the most emotion you'll get from me for a couple months. I'm gonna' go piss," Seungcheol scoffed, standing up and shuffling towards the water. 

We'd been sitting on the beach for the majority of the day. I can't recall the last time I've been surrounded by shirtless dudes and not found it odd. The only odd thing here was how pale Wonwoo was. We all assumed he was pale because he never got out but he was so white that the sun was making his skin glow so much that it blinded us. 

For most of today, Seungcheol was telling us the highlights of his time with Jeonghan. I'd been doing my best to not mention Chan, but it's just so hard! But this wasn't about me...

"Seungkwan," Mingyu began, "Has anyone ever told you that your cheeks look so squishy? Like I just want to reach out and squish your cheeks!" 

I was offended. I'm sure my cheeks are just as squishable as Seungkwan's, and no one had ever said anything like that to me. 

Seungcheol came strolling back towards us and we strained to look at him because the sun right behind him was blinding. 

"Let's play volleyball," he suggested. We all stood up and joined a group of girls that was already playing. Mingyu put on his seductive side.

"Hey ladies, why don't you let us join you?" Mingyu smiled his canine smile and yet the girls weren't impressed. 

He turned around to Wonwoo and pouted, "Have I lost my luster?" 

"No, dear," Wonwoo replied, patting his man on the back. 

It was Seungcheol's turn, "Come on, ladies, you want to say no to this?" He was pointing to the place where his abs would be if he had any. 

The girls giggled. 

"No thank you," stated one of the girls, "But you know what? We'll let the hottest one of you play with us."

Mingyu and Seungcheol fought to pose in front of the ladies. Wonwoo and I silently stood behind them. 

"Hmmmmm. Okay. You," the girl pointed towards Mingyu. 

The said boy raised his arms up and kissed his muscles. 

"No, not you, loser. The guy behind you," the girl corrected. 

Suddenly everyone was staring at me and I felt my face flush. It felt like the entire beach had just miraculously gotten ten degrees hotter. 

"M-me?" I asked. There was just no way they thought _I_  was the hottest. Hottest _temperature_ wise, that's for sure. 

"Yeah, dummy. Come on, let's play," the girl shouted, getting in position. 

It felt like my legs were being swallowed by the ground but Mingyu gave me a brotherly pat on the back, telling me to "go out there and get them". 

Now, my volleyball skills were mediocre at best. There was no way I was going to impress anyone. Nevertheless, I got to my position, glancing at the other three girls that were on my team. The boys sat down on the sides and cheered my name like idiots. 

Before the game started we all introduced ourselves. The other team was serving first. The ball bounced around the other girls for a few moments until one of them passed it to me and I completely missed and it hit the sand at my feet. I made up some terrible excuse for why I missed and passed the ball back to the other side. Once again once it was passed to me I completely failed to bring us any points. The boys clamored as if every time I missed, I was winning the world series. I gave them the finger. 

It was my turn to serve. It was my time to shine, and show them that I'm not an utter failure! I threw up the ball and hit it with all of my might, and it actually went over the net. It made its way back over to our side and I built up the courage to try to spike it. Much to everyone's awe, I finally scored a point! 

The game went on for a while, with me trying my absolute best to not look like a fool. Afterwards, I think I'd really made a hit with the girls. They even invited me back to their hotel room. I went back to tell the boys, who were splashing around in the waves and they all gave me high fives and told me to go for it but I think at least Seungkwan knew that my heart wasn't there. There was a large part of me that wanted to go back to their room, but I knew that there was nothing there for me. There's no heart there for them to have. Because it was stolen by a certain someone that I've made obvious already. I declined their offer and jumped in the waves with Seungcheol. 

Later, once the sun was starting to go down, we went back to the house and turned on some movies and cooked dinner. Some of us sat on the balcony and watched the sunset and all of the colors in the clear sky slowly sink down to the horizon and turn to black. After things started to cool off, we  jumped in the jacuzzi and gossiped about mutual friends and enemies and soaked in the view of the blanket of stars hanging above us. We completely procrastinated with packing our things, which ended up being a stressful adventure as tomorrow morning we were supposed to be leaving and heading back home. But as for now, the water jets were doing wonders on my back. Even though we were crowded in the jacuzzi, we somehow magically all fell into silence with all the languor and leisure we felt. 

Wonwoo and Mingyu were the first to get out, then Seungkwan. Seungcheol and I started to have a one on one talk. 

"I'm happy you and Jeonghan are doing good. It's kind of crazy how everyone at the amusement park got paired up so nicely," I said. 

He sighed, smiling, as if in a dream, "You have no idea. I think I love him. People throw around that word a lot, but I think this is the real thing, Soonyoung."

I thought of Chan immediately. I pondered if I loved him. Because, like Seungcheol, I try my best to not just throw the word _love_  around. Chan has become such an important part of my life, but _love..._

"How's Chan?" Seungcheol broke my train of thought, "I'm surprised you haven't talked about him this whole time."

"Only because I know how you all will react at the mention of his name," I chuckled, even though it wasn't that funny. 

"Soonyoung, if it makes you happy, it matters. We just like picking on you," Seungcheol sincerely explained. 

The corners of my lips tugged upwards at his statement. 

"Come on, we have some packing to do," Seungcheol smiled, hopping out of the tub and giving me a hand. 

Inside was hectic, but I tried my best to get my things in order before I would end up collapsing on the bed. 

In the morning, we loaded up the car and I let Seungkwan have the window seat on the way home. It was hell on my neck, but it felt nice on my heart. 

Once I got home, I desperately needed a nap. Tomorrow, Chan would be coming over for the weekend. I couldn't wait. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok im sorry here comes the angst


	11. .:ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> three emos eat waffles and cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhhey guys i hope youre all having a wonderful summer !! i know soonyoung aint

The drive to the hospital was a blur. I must have ran two stop signs and almost caused a collision on the way there. It was around 9:00 by the time I made it to the hospital. I wouldn't even call what I did _parking_ ; I threw my car into a parking spot and bolted out of it, though I had to run back moments later because I forgot to turn it off. While I impatiently waited in line to talk to the front desk lady, I realized how dreadful I felt. I didn't know what waited me in the ICU. Not only the critically injured Seungkwan, but the irascible Seungcheol who probably resented me with every fiber of his being. Nevertheless, once I was told where to go, I spurt up the flight of stairs and to the ICU. Even though visiting hours ended in thirty minutes, I wasn't going to put this off any longer.

Once I got there and saw the two boys through the windows, my heart stopped. That pink hair was unmistakable. If my heart was hurting before I saw Seungkwan, there were no words to describe how my heart felt once my gaze landed on him. I shuddered at the sight, and my chest felt like it was hit with a sledgehammer. I wasn't allowed into the room that he was in, but the view from outside was insufferably sufficient. I felt my throat swell, and my hands covered my gaping mouth. 

His body was hooked up to various machines, and his mangled face was concealed in several places with bandages. His chest, hips, and arms had braces wrapped around them. It was like his entire frame was broken. Beside him, Mingyu appeared akin, but he obviously didn't have it as bad as Seungkwan. I never thought that there was anything that could keep Mingyu from looking so handsome, but the way he looked, so beaten up, broke my heart.

Tears were streaming down my face and my nose was running grossly. I spun around, unable to see them any longer. In front of me were a row of chairs, and on two of them sat Seungcheol and Wonwoo, Seungcheol giving me his lethal evil eye while Wonwoo cried into his shoulder. I'd expected Seungcheol to show his normal stoic and vigorous behavior, but he looked so different than normal. His hair was mussed, his eyes vacant, his skin pale and lifeless. His countenance showed utmost despair and longing, but mostly, his sternness. Because he was looking at me.  

My lip was quivering and I attempted to choke back my oncoming sobs. Normally standing in front of Seungcheol and crying would be beyond embarrassing to me, but I felt so vulnerable and small that embarrassment didn't even register in my mind. I approached the melancholy boys and Seungcheol's face was riddled with enmity and hostility.

"What took so long?" he hissed, running his fingers through Wonwoo's hair.

"Seungcheol, I'm so sorry. There's no excuse—"

"Yeah, I know there's no excuse."

"I'm so sorry—"

"Don't even. Sorry doesn't fix Seungkwan and Mingyu. Sorry doesn't un-crash us and the truck. Sorry doesn't make me the victim and not them!" he scolded.

"Who are you mad at, Seungcheol? Me or you?" I shouted with animosity.

He fell silent for several seconds until his gaze averted and his lips started to tremble. I reluctantly collapsed next to him and wrapped my arm around him. He was sobbing, his entire body shaking and rocking with each cry, "I could have stopped it! I could have looked both ways before going across that intersection!" His voice was hoarse and heartbroken.

"Did you run a stop sign?" I asked, fearing the answer I'd get.

"No! It-it was a green light but—I should have looked both ways! I could have prevented all of this!"

"So a truck ran a red light and hit you?" I inquired, barely above a whisper for my throat was closed shut. Seungcheol nodded, his unfocused eyes locked on the cold tile floor.

"It's not your fault," Wonwoo and I spoke simultaneously. Wonwoo opened his arms and let Seungcheol cry into his chest. His face looked pale and sorrowful. The sparkle that used to be in Wonwoo's eyes was gone.

I felt just as wistful as Seungcheol though. If I had just gotten over myself, then Seungkwan would be out here with us instead of in that dismal room. Seungkwan just wanted a ride home from me and that was too much for me to handle. I could have saved him, but instead I told him no so I could have some quiet time with a boy I like. I abhorred myself; I was livid with myself. I absolutely despised Kwon Soonyoung. I loathed my voice and my hair and my face and everything about me. I hated how besotted I had become Chan and how I let myself forget about everything else but him.

For a while we all sat there, tears streaming down our faces as we tried to comfort one another. At one point I went to the bathroom and called Chan from my phone, but he didn't answer. After all, it was late. And he'd had a long day.

When I sauntered back out, they were packing their things up. Visiting hours were over.

Seungcheol wiped his eyes and sniffled, "Do you want to stay at our place?"

I nodded and fished my keys out of my pocket. On our way out, I took one last glance to their pale bodies, feeling absolutely despicable. I deserved to be hit by a car for doing this to Seungkwan. I needed to be punished. This continued the entire way back to Seungcheol's, and the entire night.

Seungcheol prepared me a makeshift bed on his couch, but it didn't matter. My dismay would keep me awake all night anyway. I could only mourn over Seungkwan's state. " _They said he might not make it._ " He had to. He had to survive this or else I would have been his murderer.

I cried and cried for hours, feeling as guilty as I've ever been. I considered hurting myself, positive that I deserved it. I visioned flinging myself in front of a car or chugging Drain-O. _Murderer! Murderer!_ Was all that I could think. _I killed Seungkwan._

But just the fact of me being his murderer couldn't outweigh the devastation of his possible death in general. Seungkwan was my best friend, even though I never wanted to admit it. How could I? Seungkwan is such a positive boy and I am so lucky to have him in my life. But I'll never hear his stupid laughter again, or get a dumb text from him. Road trips will forever be trite and dry without his horrisonous singing and frivolous road trip games, all of which I secretly found amusing. I'd grown fond of Seungkwan's positivity and goofiness. 

After all, Seungkwan's benevolence always provided solace for me. In a large crowd he was my haven. When I felt like I was stuck in rain, he was my sunshine. Seungkwan was special and goddamn it, I took it for granted. Every time I closed my eyes I could only see the truck hitting Seungcheol's car over and over again.

I was still sobbing into the couch pillow when I heard Wonwoo shuffle into the living room. I tried to stifle my ugly cries for the sake of my dignity but pathetically failed.

"Hey," his plaintive, baritone voice croaked.

I turned around to face him, but could only make out his frame in the darkness.

"I was going downstairs. Want to come?" he asked. His voice sounded empty and dead.

Any escape from his dreary couch would help me, so I nodded and got up, then lethargically followed him out of the apartment and down the flight of stairs to the parking lot. The air was cool against my puffy eyes and hot, tear stained face. We sat down on the concrete and felt the wind blow through our hair, and watched the clouds fly over the moon.

I couldn't bear to think how Wonwoo must have been feeling right now. Mingyu was his everything. One of the only times that I'd seen them separated was the night of the crash. _Devastated_ was too weak of a word to describe how Wonwoo probably felt.

"Mingyu would come out here whenever we fought," Wonwoo broke the silence.

"Somehow, whenever he did, afterwards, he would apologize. And crawl into my arms. And I would apologize too. It would always be so trivial. Maybe I didn't want to go out, or I wanted alone time. Maybe he had a bad day at work and didn't deal with it in the most positive manner. It was never anything big.

"And I don't know what he ever did when he came out here, but it always worked. So I was hoping the moon could do the same spell on me, or maybe somehow I could be a stand-in for Mingyu and it could make him better. I don't know." 

There was a silence, but then I spoke, "Maybe he's looking out of the window now, and staring at the moon, too."

I wasn't quite sure if Mingyu was even awake or not, but the thought was comforting.

"I hope he's asleep," Wonwoo stated, "He's going to need so much rest. I know I won't be getting any for a while."

I'd never agreed with Wonwoo more. Sleep was going to become a foreign concept to me in the upcoming weeks.

"I know I'm not sleeping tonight," Wonwoo spoke through his closed throat and stuffy nose, "And there's no food here. So how about we go to Waffle House?" 

The corners of my lips tugged upwards just barely.

"That sounds great," I sniffled. 

He took a big breath in and asked me to drive, saying the keys are on the kitchen counter. I nodded and bounced up the stairs, and as I was grabbing the keys I noticed the bathroom light was on. Inside was Seungcheol, hunched over the toilet, violently throwing up. Without hesitation, I knelt down next to him and rubbed his back, trying to come to a conclusion as to why he was vomiting. I knew he had either drank too much alcohol in hopes to drown out his emotions, or the overwhelming grief and stress made him physically ill. Or both. But I never asked.

Once he was done expelling the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl, I handed him a glass of water and invited him to Waffle House. He got himself cleaned up and followed me downstairs and laid down in the backseat of the car.

Waffle House at night time is full of light. It's warm and embracing. It felt relieving to leave the darkness that I've surrounded myself with and replace it with light, along with the smell of palatable syrup and coffee.

We didn't really smile or laugh. We didn't want to pretend that everything was fine. But the food and drinks warmed up our cold bodies, and we told each other that everything would be okay.  _It's just transitory injuries. They heal._

I never asked what specifically was wrong with Seungkwan, for I didn't want to know. I knew eventually I would hear it from a nurse or something, but for now, ignorance was bliss. I could pretend that my mother was simply exaggerating to make me feel bad. Sure, I saw his condition in the ICU. But people survive car crashes all the time. Cars are made to protect the passengers! Seungkwan will be just fine! 

Meanwhile, in the real world, we'd finished our breakfasts. We all looked horrid and despondent. Wonwoo had no color to his face, Seungcheol looked sick and insipid, and I was avoiding mirrors at all costs.

We must have stayed there for another hour. We were desperate to keep away from the dark, lifeless apartment. This restaurant was our getaway. But the time came when we were nearly passing out in our booths from somnolence. So we went home and watched comedies in the dark living room until the first orange streaks of morning appeared in the sky, and a new day began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor soonyoung ;(((
> 
> btw feedback encourages me to update faster im js!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am unmotivated


	12. .:eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> recap + emo seungcheol

It had been almost a month. I was finally past the stage of thinking that this was a horrific nightmare that I would eventually wake up from with a start and a sigh of relief, and the proceeding self-hatred stage for leaving Seungkwan that night was improving with support from friends and family. Nights hadn't significantly changed unfortunately. I hadn't heard from Chan since the zoo date. At first I would call him relentlessly and send him texts begging for him to talk to me. In desperation, I even texted Hansol and Jeonghan about Chan, and unsurprisingly, no response. I contemplated every possible reason for his disappearance. I recalled every last thing I did with him the last time I saw him, and I remembered the kiss. But I must be candid; it was more than  _one_   _kiss._  As much as it pains me to say it, we made out. It may seem like some minuscule thing, but for me, it was everything, because of how badly I wanted him. And he didn't try to stop it, in fact, I could tell he wanted it too, which made me want to rule it out. However, Chan was inexperienced and unfamiliar with that, which brought me to the conclusion that he possibly, deeply regretted it. Perhaps he was indifferent with feelings for me, and wanted space, but it's been a month! At that point I was losing hope of him responding. Every day that he hadn't contacted me felt like a lifetime. It hurt so much, and I could only think about how much I missed him and wanted to see him.

That's what my nights were. Reflecting upon myself and reevaluating everything I did with him. I felt like my mind was completely out of my control. I was constantly either yearning for Chan, or plagued with thoughts of Seungkwan's health.  _I'm going crazy_ , I often thought. I couldn't turn off the worry button in my head, and finally be levelheaded. Thus, around eight in the afternoon, I would down two sleeping pills, and within thirty minutes be unconscious. It was a great privilege.

Continually, every weekday, like clockwork, I would drag myself to work at the daycare. However, the director—my boss—noticed my lethargy. "You're taking care of hyper kids, you can't be half asleep," she would nag. Though she had some sympathy for my best friend being in critical condition, that was no excuse to not do my job. Accordingly, I was determined to work through my fatigue. Although now that I look back on it, it was comical that she thought there was any prospect of me falling asleep on the clock, considering those children were wild. They bounced off the walls and pulled on my clothes and my face and begged for food. I was their jungle gym. The sound of their pattering footsteps sprinting across the wooden floors as they excitedly screeched my name and requested dinosaur chicken nuggets when I showed up was forever engraved in my mind.

After work was over everyday, I would drive to the hospital without any second thought. Though I still couldn't see Seungkwan up close, it was comforting and reassuring to see him there, and ever so slightly watch his chest rise and fall. It was painful seeing all the tubes strapped to him, but he was  _alive_. And that's all that mattered to me.

I'd finally ascertained what happened with him. He suffered head trauma, broken bones in his back, three broken ribs and a punctured lung, and not to mention many cuts along his arms and legs from broken glass. He had to breathe through tubes and was inert. And he hasn't quite fully woken up yet, but the nurse said that his condition hasn't worsened, which was a relief. However, long story short, he wasn't supposed to survive that crash. But he marvelously did. Often he was visited by his family and best friend Seokmin, and they would leave him flowers and balloons and cute teddy bears. His bedside table was overflowing with sweet, florid gifts.

One week ago, we received glorious news. Mingyu was finally admitted out of intensive care, and was predicted to only need another month or two in the hospital. It was miraculous that he was so unscathed compared to Seungkwan, despite being struck on the same side as him. We'd been told a hundred times by the doctors that the truck hit the car  _just perfectly_  to only break Seungkwan in a thousand places and leave Mingyu fine.

Furthermore, the first time Wonwoo saw Mingyu after the crash, I don't think I'd ever seen him so animated. He was laughing and crying and jumping around the room and hugging Mingyu's fragile body and clenching Mingyu's hand in his own. I visited Mingyu a few times, and he looked so different. His hair was mussed, his skin was pale, his once impressive arms were slim and weak, and his hip bone seemed to jut out of his skin. He'd lost so much weight that it was genuinely concerning, but that's what happens when you're bedridden for a month. Nevertheless, we talked quite often. Sometimes we discussed his health, other times we informed each other of any news concerning Seungkwan, and others in which we shared our anguish with Seungcheol.

While it seemed like things were looking up for everyone, Seungcheol's health was only declining. He was wallowing in his own guilt and he was shutting everyone out. I would come see him at his apartment and bring him gifts, and he would take them with thanks, but I could tell he was depressed. He stopped taking care of himself; every smile on his face never reached his eyes, and he would refuse to look anyone in the eye. "It's not your fault," I would tell him. He was incredulous, and sure that he was the reason for his best friends being in the hospital. Additionally, he wished it was him in there instead. He thought he deserved it.

Wonwoo and I had gotten pretty close in this ordeal, and we would talk often. He told me how he was deeply concerned about Seungcheol. He said he could hear Seungcheol crying at nighttime, and even though it was summer he was always wearing long sleeves and pants, which we both knew what meant. Wonwoo attempted to assist Seungcheol's recovery, and would take him outside for walks or for food. But Seungcheol just couldn't be helped.  _Maybe it's a time thing_ , we thought. Regardless, we were considering signing him up for a counselor, but we would have to drag him there. His paid leave off work was going to end in a week, and he was showing no signs of getting better. He was a stubborn boy, but he desperately needed help.

When I was finally alone after the long days, I would sit outside often. I would soak in the dim light of the moon, and meditate. I wouldn't go as far as chanting the  _Om_ , and thinking religiously or spiritually. Instead, I would relax my tense limbs and try to clear my mind from all the dismay that occupied it. It was unsuccessful most times, as the three most important people in my life had gone. Without them accessible to me, I felt like I'd lost my limbs. I had my parents and Wonwoo to go to for help, but it was awkward and unfamiliar to me. I'd gotten used to confiding in Chan or Seungkwan, and in extreme cases, Seungcheol. Communicating with the former two came remarkably easily and smoothly. Seungcheol was fine to talk to, but I didn't necessarily keep him updated with all the drama in my life. Either way, they were all gone. And I felt lost.

Some nights I would feel extremely sorrowful with desire for Chan to come back, and other nights I would feel overwhelming indignance and outrage for him walking out on me like this. I felt like a toy. I relocated the framed photo of us at the amusement park to beneath my bed because seeing it gave me the sensation of my chest being hit with a brick. Meanwhile I avoided my camera roll, cognizant of the perilous selfies with him in it. But there was one last constant reminder of his departure. The goddamn bracelet. One day I was staring at it with resentment, and I promptly yanked on the thin elastic until it snapped, sending the blue and brown beads scattering and scuttling to the hard wooden floor. And I broke, too. I broke down sobbing and clenching my fists, exasperated with these perpetual feelings of heartache.

The nights that I wasn't bawling over Chan, I was bawling over Seungkwan. While I said the self-hatred stage was getting better, it didn't mean that it was cured. I put Seungkwan through probably the worst thing to ever happen to him. I was the one that broke his bones and cut his skin and punctured his lung. So many times I looked up through our text messages, resenting myself for the things I would say to him, and the times that I would ignore him. I made a promise to myself that if he made it out, I would never treat him that way again. I would give him attention and brotherly love, and do all the other kind things that I never even thought of doing for him before. I would make time for him, and play road trip games with him, and  _drive him home._  Gosh, I absolutely hated my actions.

I remembered the first time I met Seungkwan, in my 2nd year of high school in art class. He was a chubby and awkward 1st year student with essentially no friends. He would get picked on, and one day I nudged the bullies to step off, and Seungkwan saw that as me wanting to be his friend. At first I thought he was clingy and annoying, but afterwards either I got used to it, or it abated. And ever since then we've been friends. I introduced Seungcheol to him soon after, and  _somehow_  they got along enough for us to become our little friend trio, or as Seungkwan loved to call us, both  _The Super Soons_ and _The Thick Three._  I could tolerate The Super Soons, but I still secretly took offense to The Thick Three. I get that Seungkwan is still a little plump, and Seungcheol has those killer thighs, but me? I simply didn't see that in me.

"Soonyoung, stop trying to deny the fact that you have thick thighs," Seungkwan would scold. I would scoff at his assertion every time, inspecting my thighs immediately after.

"It's not a bad thing," Seungkwan would reassure me, "The ladies love it."

I'd roll my eyes.

 _Gosh, I miss him so much_.

I remember when last year I bolted awake because I heard loud tapping on my window. I cowered under my blankets until I heard Seungcheol's desperate, muffled voice shout, "Soonyoung!"

I scrambled out of bed and opened my window, seeing Seungcheol's dark figure standing outside my house.

"Are you going to let me in?" he asked in his normal threatening voice, but his voice cracked at the end as if he was refraining from crying.

And I let him inside, and I gave him pajamas and food, and he opened up to me. His parents had gotten in a fight with him and forced him out of the house, and I was the first person that he thought of going to. It made me feel like an important friend that he trusted me with this, but it was concerning that his parents would do that. But knowing Seungcheol, they might have had some reasoning behind it. I didn't tell Seungcheol that though. I was focused on keeping him safe.

_Keeping him safe._

I had to go see Seungcheol, right now. I knew he was hurting the most out of any of us, and I couldn't ignore all the warning signs. I wasn't going to let myself stand by while another one of my friends earned a hospital visit. Thus, I slipped on a jacket and ran to my car, speeding over to his apartment. I trudged up the flight of steps and knocked on his door, and after ten seconds with no response, I twisted the knob, discovering that it was unlocked. I entered the dark living room and sauntered to his bedroom, where I found him placidly watching Netflix on his laptop in the darkness. When he saw me he reached over to his lamp and flicked it on. His hair was sticking up in several places, and the blankets on his bed were ruffled. His black t-shirt was wrinkled and stained. He obviously hasn't left bed much in the past week. His face showed melancholy and confusion.

"Soonyoung," his hoarse, plaintive voice spoke, "Why are you here?"

Those were somehow the most relieving words I've heard in a while.

"I-I don't know, I was worried about you," I belted out.

"It seems like everyone is so worried about me," he said mockingly.

I sat down on his bed, facing him. I spoke, "We can see you're hurting."

"So you drove all the way here at midnight?" he asked, annoyance in his tone.

"Yes, Seungcheol, because I love you. So don't get mad, and scoot over," I ordered. He reluctantly complied. I slipped off my shoes and joined him in bed. He was watching cartoons. I got comfortable and lost track of time as we watched. Eventually, after several episodes of the silly program, Seungcheol stood up.

"Where are you going?" I urgently asked.

"I'm going to get a snack. You're my  _friend_ , Soonyoung. Not a clingy girlfriend," he complained. I mocked him as he wandered out of the room.

The rest of the night was tranquil. Seungcheol and I enjoyed Netflix together for over an hour until we stepped outside for some fresh air. The midnight summer breeze felt chilling against our balmy skin, and the air was cool in my throat and my lungs. We sat against the hard stone wall and watched clouds drift over the moon, and attempted to identify constellations. I spotted Orion's Belt and the dippers, but everything else was like alphabet soup with stars. I pondered if Chan was looking at the stars too, though cities away.  _I hate him_ , I lied to myself.

"God," Seungcheol sullenly exclaimed, "This is so hard."

I glanced at him. I internally celebrated for him finally opening up to me.

"Soonyoung, I put two of the most important people in my life in a hospital. I broke so many hearts," Seungcheol sobbed, "And it doesn't help that Jeonghan suddenly cut me out of his life."

My chest tightened at the latter sentence.  _It's not just Chan._  But that wasn't the most important part of his speech. The Chan and Jeonghan thing was going to be a conversation for another time.

"Seungcheol, you need to stop blaming yourself. You were following traffic rules. You can't control some drunk bastard from crashing into you, so stop expecting yourself to," I snapped. I was so fed up with Seungcheol's self pity and hatred. He was silent for a long time after that.

He sniffled a couple times and I could tell he was trying to speak.

"Soonyoung," his voice cracked, tears sliding down his cheeks.

"Soonyoung―I...Tonight, I was going to..." he struggled to speak, "I was going to give up."

At those words he lost all composure and broke into a fit of sobs and wails. I scooted closer to him and wrapped my arm around him. My lip quivered at the thought of losing Seungcheol forever. I leaned my head on his shoulder and gently spoke comforting words into his ear.

Afterwards I dragged him back inside and forced him to take a long, hot shower and change into his favorite pajamas. And he wasn't fully comfortable with me sleeping in the same bed with him, but he knew I was doing it out of love. We fell asleep like that. Safe and sound. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AYO I GOT A 3 ON MY AP LANG EXAM   
> 


	13. .:twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lil bby seungkwan wakes up

I was in a black hole. No light from outside could reach me. It seemed that every time things began looking up for me, I fell even further back down. Nothing was for certain anymore and it was killing me. Seungcheol was still heavily depressed and despondent, and I couldn't help him. Seungkwan was still sleeping, his body in shambles. Chan was gone. I felt so out of control of my own life, and it bothered me every waking moment. Each day was identical: wake up, go to work, go to the hospital, go home, sleep, and repeat. I lost track of the days, and I stopped taking care of myself. I stopped caring.

And then Seungkwan woke up. 

It was late July, when the hot days turned into cool nights, and the skies were clear and vacant. Flowers and trees were still in full bloom, as summer was relentlessly blasting all its heat onto the northern hemisphere. And Seungkwan's dazzling brown eyes finally parted, bright lights and people in white uniforms flooding his vision. 

His family was there first, hysterically bursting through the doors and holding him tightly, as much as they could. However, unfortunately, he was still in a lot of pain. He's rapidly improving, that's what we heard from the doctors, and they predict a couple more weeks in intensive care until he's released.  _He's going to be okay_. I couldn't believe it. No amount of joy I've felt before could even come close to the felicity that overcame me when I heard he was okay. My heart was going to burst out of my tight chest. Nothing could amount to this, nothing. I felt like I was in some sick dream that I would wake up from, back in the reality that he might not make it. It was only when our eyes met for the first time that it became believable. It's him. He's there, he's okay.

His weak, pale lips tugged into a smile, and his fingers waved at me. I waved back, tears of relief and happiness sliding down my tepid cheeks. He looked so different when he was finally awake. His limbs finally had movement to them, and his black coffee eyes looked so large. His pomegranate hair was dull, and his dark brown roots had prominently grown in like weeds. His once chubby cheeks were gone, replaced with jutting cheek bones. He was still intensely weak, and didn't move much. But I could tell by the way he looked that some strength was returning to him. I couldn't bear all the happiness overflowing in my heart. I finally understood even a fraction of the way that Wonwoo felt when Mingyu was admitted out of intensive care. I laughed uncontrollably and fiercely cried at the sight of his liveliness.

Hospital visits were better then. I would rejoice with all of Seungkwan's other visitors and wave at him and beatifically smile at him. He would make finger hearts at me and mouth words that I could barely decipher. I improved at refraining from crying with each visit. It became more normal to see him and know that he was going to be okay.  _He was going to be okay._

Meanwhile at home, I was getting used to the concept of Seungkwan making a full recovery. Often I would have horrendous, gruesome nightmares of his death. I would remember what I did to him and wake with intense guilt. Therefore, when I woke up hours after midnight from a frightening nightmare, I drew out my notebook and a pen, and I wrote Seungkwan a letter. Since I couldn't talk to him, and he was finally awake, I figured it was acceptable. I wrote about all the things that he'd missed, including every single emotion I've felt during this ordeal. I went on and on about my overwhelming guilt for not driving him home. I begged for his forgiveness. And when it was done, I collapsed back on my bed and fell asleep. I had it given to him the next day. 

Seungcheol was showing signs of recovery as well. He began to indulge the walks with Wonwoo, and thank him and I for all the support. He smiled more, and ate more. But he wasn't fixed. When Seungkwan woke up, he was bashful. He would dreadfully stare through the windows from a distance, not wanting the boy to see him.

"You can't hide forever," I scolded.

"I'll see him when he's released from intensive care," Seungcheol procrastinated, rubbing his temples.

I plopped down next to him on the couch by the ICU and wrapped my arm around his shoulders.

"I'm sure he'd love to see your face," I said.

"He wants to see the person who put him in here?" Seungcheol sarcastically asked, meeting my gaze.

"I put him in here, too. And he's happy to see me! Or, at least I think so."

"You didn't drive him home. That's all that you did. He was in  _my_  car―"

"Your car. If it weren't for me, this ordeal would be over. Seungkwan would be sitting out here with us, or we'd be out getting ice cream, or he'd be cracking jokes with Mingyu."

"We can't change the past. Let's just forget about it."

"I'll give it my best."

When I wasn't nagging at him to see Seungkwan, we addressed the disappearance of our crushes. We were having the exact same experience. Jeonghan hadn't talked to him since the crash, and he wouldn't respond to Seungcheol no matter what. It was refreshing to know that I wasn't the only one going through this, but it was so intriguing. Both of them decide one day to cut off the people they've been talking to the most the past couple months. It didn't make any sense whatsoever. Every time we thought of an answer, it seemed like there was one fact withstanding it from being true. 

We said we hated them. But we both knew we were lying. We yearned for them to be here with us, aiding us in our own recovery of this tragedy. We wanted their support and benevolent kindness, the type that they previously gave us without a second thought. Instead they amplified the pain. 

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Chan. His innocent smile, and childish laughter. The way he jocosely brushes the hair out of his face when he's jumped around too much, and how mature and hardworking he can be. How talented and devoted he is to dancing, and how he was perpetually contagiously happy. I was so lucky to have him. Why would he ever do this to me? I had to stop thinking about it. There were far more important affairs. 

 

In early August, Seungkwan was helped out of bed, and he walked. There were no whirring machines attached to him, nor nurses' arms for him to grasp onto. Because he didn't need them. His left hand was coiled around the cold metal pole of his IV, and in his sky blue hospital gown, he walked. And intensive care was over. He was transferred to his own room, where his body would adjust to moving for a week or two, as he greatly ate more and drank more. Then he would be free. 

The day that he was admitted out of intensive care, I drove ferociously fast to the hospital. He was sitting upwards in his bed, consoling a wailing Seungcheol. He was pouring his heart out in apologies and self-resentment. Seungkwan stroked his hair and muttered comforting words of forgiveness and benevolence. 

"I don't hold anything against you," Seungkwan repeated over and over again. I decided to let them have their moment before I intruded. It was a long while. Once I got skeptical of what was taking so long, I peered in and found Seungcheol asleep, his bottom half in a chair and his top half draped over Seungkwan's legs.  

"Soonyoung!" Seungkwan whisper-yelled, "Get him off of me!" 

I hastily followed his orders, grabbing Seungcheol's back and flinging it in the direction away from Seungkwan. He woke up when his head hit the top of the wooden chair, shouting profanities while we angrily shushed him. Once he calmed down, Seungkwan directed his attention back to me, smiling a warm and genuine smile. I approached his bed, staring into his sparkling eyes. 

"Hey Ten-Ten," he gently spoke. The comfort of his voice was like getting wrapped in a warm blanket after playing in the freezing snow. It was like the sun finally coming out of thick, gray clouds, and shining its rays on icy skin. All the dreary darkness enveloping me was ripped away and demolished with those three syllables. 

I couldn't even think. There were a million thoughts racing through my skull. He's acting like nothing even happened, do I just go along with it? How is he acting so  _fine_  and fortuitous? Do I fall to my knees and plead for forgiveness like Seungcheol? I was on the verge of fainting. My throat was closing up, tears welling up in my eyes. I didn't know if they were from joy or despair. My lip quivered, any words that I had were gone. His cheerful countenance contorted into worry. I attempted to draw in a breath of air, but instead a sob belted out of me, and my knees became weak. I was collapsing to the floor, taking the same route as my older friend. I choked out apologies and begged on my knees for forgiveness, Seungkwan begrudgingly giving me solace as he did for Seungcheol. He clenched my trembling hands in his soft, warm ones, and I felt safe. 

"I'll drive you everywhere now, I promise," I choked out. 

Seungkwan probably enjoyed all the spoiling that he'd receive in the upcoming months. He deserved it all. Seungkwan was such an astounding person and friend. I aspired to be more like him. Cheerful, and forgiving, and convivial.

I let everything out. We discussed the letter I wrote, and everything that had happened, and everything that I vowed to change for him. After it was all over, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Finally receiving forgiveness from Seungkwan felt heavenly. I was flying―I was on cloud nine. I was the happiest I had ever been. That entire week was pure bliss. 

Until one day, I was talking to Seungkwan with Seungcheol, sitting by his bedside. We were sharing amusing jokes and laughing so hard that tears pricked the corners of our eyes, and our stomachs were cramping. And I heard a noise at the doorway. Seungkwan's face turned into alarm, and still laughing, I turned to the door to see three boys. My heart rocketed into my throat, or it sank to the bottom of my torso, I don't know. My smile immediately disappeared, a scowl taking its place. I felt every existent emotion, morphing with each second. Because standing in that doorway were a red-faced Chan, a guilty-stricken Jeonghan, and a shy Hansol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> o shit!!!!


	14. .:thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chan talks to soonyoung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's some strong language !!!!! soonyoung is an angry boy

Outrage. Absolute fury.

Time stood still as I looked into those bronze brown eyes that used to draw me in and cause me to be so smitten with him. I wanted to push Chan down and scream at him all the pain he brought me. And that look of pity on that face made me want to punch him. 

How dare he? How could he actually have the audacity to show up here with his ludicrous little posse? I wanted to shout every hateful word and phrase that existed at that boy. He left me.  _He left me_. He left me when I needed him the most! I hate him. It was the first time I felt genuine malice towards him. My face must as red as a firetruck by then. I'm sure my countenance was solely enmity, judging by his embarrassed and even somewhat intimidated expression.

I noticed in my field of view that Jeonghan's once long lilac hair was cut short, and dyed dark butterscotch brown, and his hand was nervously clenching a colorful bouquet of flowers. To his left was Hansol, his hair dyed jet black, a change from the caramel that I met him in. His face showed guilt and anguish as he stared into Seungkwan's eyes.

Since I had no clue as to how to react, I glanced over to the irascible Seungcheol, with his face as red as mine, his fists clenched, and his knuckles turning white. He practically had smoke coming out of his ears. Seungkwan on the other hand only showed alarm. His eyes were wide, the color drained from his face.

This all happened in the span of a few seconds.

The first words spoken were from Jeonghan. He cleared his throat and tugged on his shirt collar, "I-Is this a bad time?"

"You've gotta' be fucking kidding me," Seungcheol growled.

"I'm sorry!" Jeonghan yelled with heartache, "We can explain!" His eyes locked with mine. All the grief on his face couldn't make me feel anything but acrimony for him. My blood was boiling.

"Explain what?" I screamed, "How you fucking left us after we go through such trauma? Don't act fucking innocent, or expect us to forgive you."

Along with this anger came adrenaline. I felt like I could flip a car on its side, I was so hyper. Seungcheol would have to hold me back if they said anything even remotely provoking. 

"We don't expect you to!" Chan exclaimed with panic. His voice. The voice I've been yearning to hear for so long. So many memories hit me like a hammer. Everything flashed in my mind. The ferris wheel, the dinner, the party, making out with him on my bed, holding his hand at the zoo. My vision went blurry several times, as it does when I'm overcome such intense exasperation.

"Listen, we're just here to see Seungkwan," Hansol resolved, "Let's not fight around him."

"You don't deserve to see him!" Seungcheol hissed, standing up quickly.

"Seungcheol, quit it!" Seungkwan austerely ordered. It was the loudest we'd heard him speak in months. "I have more friends than just you, and you don't own me! I would like to see them, so please let them in," he sighed disconcertedly. Seungcheol and I knew we were defeated then. We slowly sauntered towards the door, and the three boys parted the way for us. On my way out, I roughly jostled Chan with my shoulder, forcing him to step back and yelp in pain. Something about that brought me relief.

Without words we trudged to Mingyu's room. Wonwoo was practically living there at this point, so when we walked in, we saw them cheerfully playing Mario Kart DS together and giggling every so often.

"Hey guys," Mingyu spoke, his eyes trained on his game, "I saw your boyfriends."

"They're not our goddamn boyfriends," Seungcheol spoke through gritted teeth.

Mingyu spitefully slammed down his DS, sighing angrily, "Oh damn you, Wonwoo." Wonwoo smirked in response.

"So what's up guys?" Mingyu asked, finally meeting our eyes.

"Why are you acting like everything is okay?" Seungcheol chided.

"Because it  _is_! Seungcheol, I nearly died. I don't think I'll ever get so worked up over trivial things again. I'm just happy to be alive," Mingyu beamed with candidacy.

"Babe, just because it isn't important to you doesn't mean it shouldn't be important to him," Wonwoo intervened, "Seungcheol really likes Jeonghan."

"He's just a few doors over. Go see him," Mingyu rolled his eyes.

"He hurt me," Seungcheol stated plaintively.

"And you hurt me, but I forgave you a long time ago."

"What happened with us was an accident."

"And how do you know that what happened with Jeonghan was on purpose with the intent to hurt you?"

Seungcheol opened his mouth to speak but Mingyu cut him off.

"You don't know. And you won't know until you talk to him."

Seungcheol fell silent. It had the same effect on me. It would have to be a really good excuse for me to forgive Chan though. That's what I told myself. He hurt me too badly to be forgiven. 

"Soonyoung, do you want to go get something from the vending machine?" Seungcheol asked quietly, his dark chocolate eyes glancing into my own. I pursed my lips and nodded as my gaze fell to the floor. 

"Bring me back something," Mingyu ordered as we shuffled out of the room.

"Me, too," Wonwoo added. 

We trudged wordlessly down the narrow hallway, passing Seungkwan's room with averted eyes. The brightly lit vending machine sat at the end of the corridor. Out of the corner of my eye, when we passed Seungkwan's room, I saw Chan slip out of the doorway and begin following us. I pretended he wasn't there. 

"Soonyoung," he croaked. Hearing my name leave his mouth brought back more unwanted memories. I pushed down all of the affection that was fighting to burst through my throat. I ignored him. However he was determined, as he  _always_  is. Seungcheol rolled his eyes. 

We approached the vending machine and I fished out my wallet. As I inserted two coins into the machine, there were two light taps on my shoulder. 

"Soonyoung," Chan muttered, so quiet I wouldn't have heard him if I wasn't secretly listening for his soft voice. 

I couldn't ignore him this time, no matter how badly I fought to. I spun around and he was standing a few steps back. I couldn't believe he had the valiance to approach me. All the pain that he brought me was all coming back to me at once. My vision blurred for a moment. 

"What do you want?" I asked confrontationally.  

"Can we talk?" His voice sounded so delicate, as if it would break at any second. 

"Why should I talk to you? Why should I give you anything after you left me like this?" I inquire, infuriation consuming me. 

"Please, Soonyoung, give me one more chance to explain myself. Then you never have to speak to me again," he pleaded sorrowfully. 

I had to stop hiding behind this bitter shield. I missed Chan more than words could explain, and given this opportunity to talk to him, I wouldn't let my resentful facade take this away from me. 

"Fine," I said, "When and where do you want to talk?" I saw something light up in his face after I said that. 

"After we're done visiting Seungkwan, we can go out for food and talk about everything. How does that sound?" Chan proposed. 

"Who is we?" Seungcheol interrupted, holding several bags of snacks in his hands. 

Chan nervously met Seungcheol's intimidating gaze and stammered, "Uh, all of us, but we'd probably talk privately...you know, like one-on-one..." 

I couldn't read the expression on Seungcheol's face. 

"Alright," I said, dismissing the boy. He jogged back into Seungkwan's room, his black hair bouncing playfully as he did. 

"What do you think, like, honestly?" I asked my elder friend as we strolled back to our friends. 

"Mingyu's right. We should hear their side of the story." 

Back in Mingyu's room we ate snacks and waited impatiently for the three boys to come take us away while the couple played more Mario Kart DS and playfully raged at one another. 

"I get discharged this Friday, did I tell you guys that?" Mingyu informed. 

"No?" Seungcheol and I said confusedly. 

"Oops," Mingyu laughed. 

We rejoiced with him and hugged him while he told us to back away and struggled to see his game. 

"How do you forget to tell people that?" I asked into his hair while I wrapped my arms around him.

"I lose track of who I've told already!" he exclaimed. 

"Soonyoung," Seungcheol called out. I pulled away from Mingyu and shot Seungcheol a glare. I noticed in my line of sight the three boys crowding the doorway to our room and I swiftly grabbed my belongings, waving goodbye to the couple engrossed in their game. 

I stood near Seungcheol as we departed the hospital and followed the boys to their car. I realized that there were just enough seats for the five of us, and they were filling quickly. Jeonghan and Hansol took the front two seats, leaving Chan a window seat in the back, which meant I would have to sit in the middle, practically pressed up against him and Seungcheol. 

Seungcheol opened the car door and gestured for me to get in, smiling defiantly at me. I reluctantly got in, not feeling petty enough to force Seungcheol to sit in the middle. 

The car ride was excruciatingly long, as I kept trying to scoot as far away as I could from Chan. Every left turn brought me hell, causing us to be pressed together, and I could feel blood rushing to my cheeks every time. I would have felt splendid if only I wasn't holding this massive grudge against him. I couldn't enjoy it, and I was uncomfortable. When we finally arrived at the restaurant, I almost jumped over Seungcheol, trying to escape that car. 

Inside the edifice, Jeonghan and Seungcheol got their own booth, as did Chan and I. Hansol sat awkwardly alone at a table, twiddling his thumbs and periodically checking his cell phone. 

I stared uncomfortably ahead at Chan, who was flipping silently through his menu. The lights above us shined on his hair and illuminated his face in an orange glow. I averted my gaze to my menu, deciding on a meal. Our waiter took our orders and Chan cleared his throat once we were alone. 

He began his story, "Ever since we met, you were like a guilty pleasure to me. I've been told my whole life that liking boys is unnatural and bad. But the moment we met, I knew I felt something. And that something that I felt, it tore me apart. I wanted so badly to not like you, but ever since we kissed on the ferris wheel, you were all I could think about. I remember at the amusement park when we kept running into each other, it astounded me. I thought that we kept finding one another for a reason, like it was meant to be. I could only tell Jeonghan and Hansol about my feelings, and I did. Which was a huge mistake. 

"The last night we were together, when I got home, my parents took my phone from me as I was heading to my room. I knew exactly what they were looking for, and I knew it wouldn't be hard to find. I couldn't even sleep. The next day, they called me out to talk. They'd read all of my messages, and they suspected that you and I were a couple. And I mean, by the way we behaved towards one another, we basically were. There was no way I could lie myself out of that. Ever since we met, I would try to make it look like we were just good friends, but it became hard to conceal it, especially as my feelings grew for you. 

"So my parents decided to delete and block your number, and they told me I wasn't allowed to see you anymore. And I was so hurt, because I really liked you."

_Liked_. Despite my confused feelings towards Chan, hearing  _liked_  hurt my heart so intensely. At that time I wasn't sure if I even still had those burning feelings for him, but hearing he'd lost those feelings made me want to tear up. 

He continued, "Later that day I went to see Jeonghan, and I told him everything. He offered to stop talking to Seungcheol to help me feel better. It was so selfish of me, but I felt heartbroken, so I told him to do it. That's all my fault, so please don't be mad at Jeonghan."

Our waiter delivered our drinks to us, and we took a sip before he continued again. I was still processing everything he'd said so far. I don't know why, it might have just been so many emotions hitting me at once, but I was choking back tears. 

"Afterwards Hansol came over in tears because he heard what happened with Seungkwan. And it really messed with all of us. Because I wanted to just run to you, and tell you that it would be okay. But I couldn't. I had no means of contacting you, and if I got caught doing so, I'd get so many of my privileges taken away. I felt like such a terrible person. 

"And not to mention that I was the reason Seungkwan was in the crash. If it weren't for me, he would have gone home with you. And he'd be fine. But as much as I hate to say this, if it weren't for him, I couldn't be here right now. Because after begging and begging, my parents gave me permission to go see Seungkwan. And I knew it would be my only chance to tell you everything that happened, and hopefully, earn your forgiveness..."

His sparkling brown eyes found mine. I was speechless. I was torn between wanting to let go of all the anger I've felt, and wanting to hang onto it; to not let him win me back so easily. 

"Chan," I choked out, "I was heartbroken. I was alone." 

"I know. I'm so sorry." 

"So what now?" I asked, "We say goodbye?" 

He was silent.

"I don't know," he finally admitted, "I don't want to say goodbye, Soonyoung. I missed you horribly this entire time." 

"I missed you too," I admitted before I could stop myself. "But how will we keep in touch?" 

He was mindlessly twirling the straw around in his tall glass cup, staring at how it moved the bubbling liquid. "I don't know. I go back to school in a couple weeks, and aren't you going to college?" 

College was the one thing that I was trying to keep my mind off of. But it was true. "Yeah."

"So even if we did have a way to communicate, would we even have the time?" he asked.

_I'll always make time for you_ , was what I wanted to say. Instead I groaned, "Not really." 

"Soonyoung, I... I can't say goodbye to you. I just can't. I want you to be in my life," Chan sighed. 

"How do we work around this? I'm blocked on your phone and you could only come here because Seungkwan almost _died_." 

"I'm getting older, and soon my parents won't be able to control me. But you'd have to wait for me, and I don't want to burden you with that." 

_But you'd have to wait for me_. It was echoing in my mind. I'd have to wait a year before I could be with him. And we probably wouldn't even be able to talk through that entire time. It would just be wondering and hoping that Chan still wants me. 

"I'll think about it," I deadpanned, still lost in thought. 

He glared at me sincerely. His skin was so clear, his hair so perfect. His brown eyes were sparkling like stars. He looked the best that I'd ever seen him. 

"You'll have to tell me before I leave tonight," he warned. I nodded understandingly. 

We decided to join Jeonghan and Seungcheol, since they were also finished talking. Hansol plopped down next to me and we all ate together, just like the night we all met. There was a burning pain in my heart, knowing that this might be the last time I ever see them.

After dinner, Jeonghan dropped Seungcheol and I off at Seungcheol's apartment, and I knew I had to tell Chan my decision. 

I pulled him out of the car and hugged him in the moonlight. He smelled so fragrant, like I always remembered him. His thin body in my arms made me feel so content and peaceful. I wanted to pet his hair and tell him that it would all be okay. However, once we pulled away, I stared into his dazzling eyes and said, "I'm sorry Chan, but I don't think I can wait for you." 

And he nodded. Then he was gone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SAD WTF


	15. .:fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soonyoung goes for a drive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVdWqHtTPkE  
> this song can be listened to while reading this chapter :)

I've been hurt many times within the past couple months. One of my best friends almost died, and Chan, someone I don't even know how to describe anymore, left me. Getting through this time has been Hell, but I managed to persevere against all odds. I thought that I was finally crawling out of this gloomy and dismal hole of anguish. However, seeing Jeonghan's car drive off after saying goodbye to the one person I wanted to be with, it hurt the most. And with all the emotions I'd dealt with that night, I broke down. My knees gave out, and I fell down in a fit of sobs that rocked my body every time I tried to draw in air. 

Seungcheol immediately came to my side, lovingly wrapping his arms around me and helping me inside to his cold apartment. I opened up to him with everything: Chan's story, deciding what to do about it, and then saying goodbye.

"Are you sure you couldn't have made it work?" he asked me.

"I'm sure. We can't call or text or write, we can't visit each other, and school is starting. Even if I did decide to wait, how do I know that we won't meet anyone in school that steals our hearts or something?"

"If you guys are serious about your feelings for one another, then you wouldn't even look at anyone else."

"Seungcheol, I wouldn't have any contact with him for ten months."

"Then it's a good way to test if he's serious about you," Seungcheol pressed.

"And if he isn't? Then I would have waited for nothing, and I would be heartbroken all over again. Besides, it's too late anyway," I hopelessly sighed.

"Is it? I mean, Jeonghan and I agreed to keep in touch as friends. He's not too crazy about the distance, and since we're going into college, we want to see other people, at least for now. But you and I could go to Jeonghan's house for a weekend every so often and Chan could come over and see you. Maybe then you could pass notes to each other in another language and Chan could say he has a pen pal in some other country. It might be a stretch, but if you  _really_  want him..." Seungcheol explained.

When I was silent he asked, "...Do you? Do you want him?"

It was a lot to process for me. I was still aching because of our goodbye, and Seungcheol telling me that there's still a chance for us made my chest constrict. My mind was racing, and I rubbed my temples in hopes to ease it. I wanted Chan, but I was paranoid of getting my heart broken. But I had already made up my mind. I wasn't going to let myself get hurt anymore. I could only vision him losing his feelings for me and going and loving someone else, while I'm back here, saving myself for him. I've only known him for a short time. Maybe if I lie to myself enough, I'll eventually convince myself that I don't want him. 

"No," I stated. "I don't want him." 

I could tell Seungcheol wanted to say something, but for once, he held back. And he hugged me, and wiped the tears from my cheeks. I felt safe and secure in my friend's arms. 

"Let's go for a drive," he proposed. I sniffled and nodded in agreement, wiping my nose with my sleeve. He helped me back to my feet while I gained my balance, then he swiped the car keys from the counter and we descended the stone steps to the parking lot.

In the car, I pulled my knees up to my chin and wrapped my arms around them, trying to hold back tears. I was shivering, so I rolled down the glass window and felt the hot summer air blast on my sun-kissed skin. Seungcheol also opened the sunroof, and I laid down to gaze through it. Minuscule, sparkling stars dotted the cloudless, midnight black sky. Soft, calm music was playing on the radio, aiding me in relaxing my tense muscles. My mind wandered around my conflicting feelings for Chan for the entire time. 

I felt the car turn and slow down, signaling we were stopping. Bright lights flooded the car, and I inspected my surroundings to conclude we were at a gas station, right next to a pump. I checked the time on my phone, and noticed it was almost one in the morning. 

"When are we going home?" I asked Seungcheol, who was currently fishing out money from his wallet. 

"However long it takes to get there," he said plainly. Seungcheol had a nasty habit of being vague. It nettled me every time he tip-toed around a topic. 

"Where is 'there'?" I questioned regardless. 

"It depends," he answered, leaving the car and sauntering into the gas station. I reluctantly followed him in, continuing to pry him for answers. He wouldn't budge. "It's a surprise." 

"You want any snacks while we're here?" he asked generously. I shuffled away and snatched a frigid water bottle, placing it on the counter while Seungcheol paid for gas. Then I was back in the car, hopelessly pondering what to do with Chan. I told myself more lies, waiting impatiently for Seungcheol to get us back on the road. Though it didn't make a difference, because even when we were, I was still just as sorrowful as previously. I leaned against the window, laying my head down in my arms, feeling the powerful highway breeze aggressively play with my hair. 

I don't want Chan. He can never be with me, even if all the other obstacles were gone. I'll just get a girlfriend next year, and I'll forget this summer ever happened. Nothing good happened this summer. College will be a fresh start. I'll never have to see Chan again. I was so stupid when I ever thought him and I could work. I hated how fast I was to take interest in him. Because that only brought me here. In so much pain and heartache. 

Suddenly something caught my eye, drawing me out of my self pity. I recognized this area that we were driving in. Tall, metal shapes towered over the trees in a large clearing to our left. An enormous ferris wheel, and wide roller coasters. There were no lights on them, only dark shadows. 

"Seungcheol..." I croaked. Why is he bringing me here? He's just amplifying my pain. 

"Just trust me," he said. 

"No! We're not going there! Stop!" I pleaded. It hurt too badly looking at the looming metal bars.

"Soonyoung, chill the hell out!" he ordered. 

I rubbed my temples and focused on my breathing. I couldn't bear to look at it any longer. No good would come out of this. Soon I felt the car turn into the dismal, empty parking lot, and get shifted into park. I took a deep breath and looked up at Seungcheol. 

"Soonyoung, I know you said you don't want Chan. You expect me to believe that? You expect me to believe that you can just say goodbye to him? You're not even giving the poor boy a chance. Now I'm going to ask you this, and I want you to tell me the absolute truth. How do you feel about Chan?" Seungcheol asked bluntly. He sounded dead serious as he said all of that. It was opening up parts of me that I was struggling to keep closed. 

As I gazed upon the amusement park in front of us, I remembered the first words Chan said to me. He asked to hold my hand. The first thing we ever did together was hold hands. Then afterwards he leaned his head on my shoulder through the "scary" ride. Then I embarrassed myself in front of him by the water rides. Then we kissed on the ferris wheel as we looked over the bustling city. A tear slid down my cheek as I remembered the kiss. Because ever since that kiss, I've been so intensely besotted with him. Yes, I've only known him for a short time. However, that time has meant so much to me. If it were anyone else, I wouldn't have fallen this fast and this hard. But it was Chan. And obviously, he was different.

Our hands fit together so well. Our lips fit together so well.  _We_  fit together so well. I could see us going on road trips together, and having silly dance competitions together. I could see us singing wildly to our favorite songs, and cooking together, and growing up together. I could see it so vividly. I could see his hair bouncing up and down as he danced, and hear the sound of his singing and laughter. I could see the concentration in his face as he cooks some sizzling meat on the stove, or skillfully paints a picture. I could see late Sunday nights at our friends' houses, enjoying each other's company. I could see us building snowmen in the frozen winter, or plucking colorful, fragrant flowers in spring, or swimming in a chilly lake in summer, or carving pumpkins in autumn. I saw it all. 

Lee Chan is so exquisite, unique and convivial, and I should be calling myself lucky. I am so undeniably lucky, because Chan chose me. Chan wanted me. Chan didn't want to say goodbye to me tonight. Chan wanted me to wait for him, because he wanted to wait for me. 

I imagined him smiling and giggling, while his eyes turn into little slits. He always laughed with his entire body. And it was so contagious, his happiness. He was so devoted and hardworking. He puts his all into everything he does. I savored all my memories with him, and held on to them preciously. He's so innocent, and he doesn't deserve to be heartbroken. I could have treated him so much better. At the hospital, I actually physically hurt him. And he still wanted me. He was willing to try with me. And in return, I negligently tell him goodbye, and lie to myself, saying that I feel anything less than  _in love_  with him.  

"I love him," I admitted, astonished with myself for saying that. But I knew with the utmost certitude. I knew that was my truth. 

"That's what I thought," Seungcheol ascertained. "Now let's go tell him that." 

And we departed the amusement park that I met my love in. And we drove to Jeonghan's house, hoping with every cell in our bodies that he would be there. 

We pulled into the gravelly driveway, glaring at the bright lights illuminating the patio. I felt the most anxious that I had ever been, but Seungcheol helped coax and talk me down, and organize what we would say. It was so late to the point where they might not even be awake. 

"I can't do it," I said, eyeing down the ominous front door. 

Seungcheol glared at me tenderly. "I'll be here right next to you. If you can't find the words to say, I'll help you." 

I gulped, but nodded knowingly. I shakily opened the car door, stepping out into the humid atmosphere. Seungcheol stood by my side as we approached the door. He gave it three hard knocks, and waited thirty seconds for an answer before he repeated.

"They're all asleep," I spoke in defeat. 

"Wait," Seungcheol stalled, listening closely to the door. "I hear footsteps."

He swiftly stepped back once the door slowly creaked open, pools of light flooding out of the crack. Jeonghan stood there, a concerned look on his face. He inspected us both with a judging glare before inviting us inside. I was trembling. 

His house was dark and silent. I had to follow closely behind Seungcheol or else I'd stumble into something and cause a ruckus. We were led into a bright bedroom, where my eyes fell upon two boys sitting on the bed: Chan and Hansol. The former was sobbing loudly into his hands, while the latter rubbed his back soothingly. 

"Chan," Jeonghan beckoned.

The boy looked up, his eyes immediately finding mine. His attractive face was red and puffy as he lifted a crumbled tissue to his eyes and nose. 

"Soonyoung?" he choked out hoarsely. 

I lingered by the doorway, my heart beating in my throat. My legs were shaking so powerfully that I feared I would fall to the ground right there in front of him. I couldn't find any other words to say than what erupted out of my throat next. 

"I love you," I confessed, my voice cracking. My throat was painfully swelling, and I suddenly struggled to find air. Tears welled up in my eyes as I stared at him, and I blinked them out of my vision, feeling them race down my blushing cheeks. "And I'll wait for you," I sobbed, "I'll wait as long as it takes, because Chan, I love you." 

He stood up from the bed at lightning speed, and then he was hugging me tightly. My tears fell into his black hair. I hugged him with all the strength left in my weak body. 

"I love you, too," he bellowed. I felt his sobs vibrate my chest, his wet hands clenching the fabric of my shirt. 

And suddenly, all those visions I had of us, how we would be in the future, they seemed tangible. And I was going to try with everything I had to bring them to realization. 

 

―

 

**THE END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow. this ending was really spur of the moment, but i feel like it fits the story perfectly. i will be posting an epilogue soon, but in the meantime, thank you all for reading this story. it's the first one i've ever posted and i'm very grateful for all the positive feedback it has gotten. i love u all <3


	16. .:epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdIVP0ZjBv4 this is a good song to listen to while you read!!

I'm driving with the windows down, my sunglasses sitting comfortably on my face, my short black hair blowing in the summer breeze. Butterflies are fluttering in my chest, and I'm grinning widely. My freshman year of college has just come to a cessation, and I am on my way home. I have pleasant music blasting on the radio, and I'm giddily singing along. I am happy.

Being on the road always gives me time to reflect on my life. The events of the past year are still fresh in my mind, as if it all happened yesterday. My first year at college was a challenge, however I made some friends that helped me through it. I didn't waste my time at parties getting plastered as what the movies would suggest. I was diligent with my studies, focused on passing my classes and enjoying myself in other ways. It was a lovely year.

I pull off the highway, back in a familiar area. I cruise up to the apartment that bears some of my best and worst memories, and bouncing out comes an ecstatic Seungcheol and cheerful Mingyu, with Wonwoo clinging to his arm as always. They all greet me, climbing into my car with smiling faces. I feel at home. Seungcheol plugs his phone into the AUX and plays some trashy rap music, and it actually brings me joy this time. I have missed that trashy rap music so badly.

"You'll have to turn that down once we get Seungkwan," I warn, already going en route to our next stop.

"Yeah, yeah," Seungcheol nags.

Our younger friend's house isn't far. We arrive after one and a half trashy rap songs. And there he is. Wearing a bright yellow shirt and some cargo shorts, his brown hair made perfectly. A coral pink smile on his face, his bright brown eyes sparkling against the sunshine, and a rose blush dancing on his cheeks. He joyfully boards the car, placing his large, overstuffed backpack between his legs. He has a window seat.

On the way to our next stop, we catch up on the latest drama, and reflect on our nostalgic memories that we've shared. The entire ride from then on is laughing and joking and delight.

I've driven to our next stop a couple times previously, therefore the GPS isn't necessary. And half an hour later, we pull up to the attractive house, two of three boys already sitting on the doorstep, patiently waiting for our arrival. My cheeks ache from smiling so hard. Chan is pleasantly sitting on the stone porch, his eyes lighting up at the sight of my car.

"There's the graduate!" I shout from my car. He blushes and smiles, standing up and shuffling over. Hansol is next to him. Chan approaches my window, his smile radiating off his face. I'd be lying if I said that I have never seen him look happier.

Seungkwan bolts out of the car to hug Hansol, a boy he hasn't seen enough in the past year. Everyone else in the car talks to Chan, but I don't hear them. I stare at his attractive face as he responds to their comments and answers their questions. I swear Chan looks better every time I see him. I'm lost in his ethereal beauty. And he looks back to me, and that flawless, heartwarming smile, accompanied by his dazzling eyes, raises me up to cloud nine. Time stops whenever his eyes meet mine already, but this time is different. The light is hitting him as if it has finally found something good to highlight. The sun is reflecting in his chocolate eyes, his smile is pink like sweet taffy. He pecks my lips with his own, soft ones. The lips I constantly crave, and could never get enough of. I am hopelessly, undeniably, eternally in love with him and everything he is. 

Jeonghan finally comes out of his house and greets us all, before loading his own boys into his car. Chan asks to drive, and I can't get over how adorable it seems, that that small boy can drive now. The boy who was too scared to ride a roller coaster can drive an actual car. It blows my mind.

Seungkwan hops in Jeonghan's car with Hansol, and Seungcheol starts screaming at him to come back, and I tell Seungcheol to quiet down and let the boy be happy. After all, Seungkwan had gone through a lot. After he was released from the hospital, he had to receive physical therapy for a couple months, then he was advised to go to the gym to keep his muscles moving. It wasn't the happiest homework he'd been given. While this was happening, he had to go back to school, which he loathed even more. He mostly kept to himself, except for "horse boy" and Hansol, and of course us. His motivation to go to school was at an all time low. I wish I could have been there to encourage him. 

Sometime before school started, but after he was released from the hospital, everyone around him was still babying him, including me, and eventually he got tired of it. One night at the dinner table he reached for the salt shaker and several people stood up to get it for him, and he lost it. He yelled at all of us for doing everything for him. He told us that he can do it himself, and he is the same person as before.  _Don't let a car crash define who I am_ , he said. It really stuck to me. From then on, it was as if nothing happened. Our silly, joyful Seungkwan was back.

As for Mingyu, as soon as he was released, Wonwoo clung to him endlessly. He wouldn't even let the boy use the bathroom in solitude. They were closer than ever, and I'd never seen either of them be so happy together.

I glance in the rear view mirror and see Mingyu snuggled up to his elder counterpart, a content smile resting on his face. To my left, Seungcheol is bobbing his head along to the beat of the song he has playing. I speed up; we're almost there.

Over the school year, Chan and I had passed notes, just like Seungcheol had suggested. There was one note in particular that I had read so many times, to the point of utter memorization:

_Soonyoung, I love how when you laugh, your whole face lights up. All your teeth show, and your eyes turn into little slits. I love the sound that erupts out of you when you find something funny, or when I tickle you. I know you hate it and try to hide it, but it's just another thing that got me to fall for you._

_I love the color of your skin and the curves of your red lips and how the shape of your ears reminds me of elves. I love the size of your body and how you aren't too skinny or too big. I love how no matter what, your hair always looks flawless._ _Even_ _if it's windy outside or if you just woke up. I love the sound of your voice, and the way you look and speak when you're talking about something you love._

_I love how you joke about the shape of your eyes, and how the color reminds me of hot, black coffee on a foggy morning. For some reason, I always look at the clock exactly when it's 10:10. Normally people think 11:11 is a special time, but it's nothing compared to 10:10 to me. Because at that time, all I can do is think about you, and how much I love you._

Hell, I might have even fallen in love with the note itself. Whenever the thought of Chan came to me―which was fairly often, even almost a year later―it brought me intense, indescribable joy. Ever since then I've read it whenever I feel down, and it picks me right back up. I have been waiting for today for so long. And we're finally here. We've reached the amusement park.

Everyone grabs their things and exits their cars, and I take Chan into my arms for the first time in weeks. He smells like a spring morning, when there's dew coating the colorful tulips in the front yard. I feel peaceful. 

We bounce around the amusement park together, joking around and laughing like maniacs for the majority of the time. We re-ride all the rides that we chose last year and reminisce about all of our happy memories here. We even go on the most thrilling ride that Chan had asked to hold my hand on, and he goofily acts out his performance from last year. His face is as red as a cherry. It makes me giggle.

After a day filled with belly laughs and aching cheeks and full tummies, we find ourselves finally calm, jumping in line for the ferris wheel. We're mostly talking in twos, as it came surprising to me that Seungcheol and Jeonghan were getting along so well this entire time. When it comes time for us to get in our seats, I feel anxious. There's something that has been on my mind for the longest time, and I'm finally getting my chance to let it out. 

As soon as Chan and I are secured in our seats and the ride commences its slow ascend upwards, I begin my speech. I stare into his eyes, and he's staring right back into mine. He's smiling. 

"Chan, I, I don't know how to put this really, even though I've spent so much time rehearsing and evaluating how this would go. I just want you to know that you mean so much to me, and how now that we have a chance to be together, the feeling it gives me is simply indescribable. When I look at you, I don't just see some boy. I see someone who I would feel lucky to devote all my love and attention to. You're someone that I want to take to the beach, and to cute dates to cafes, or just even to my place to watch movies all night. And there is no one else in the entire universe that I would rather do this with. And since I haven't been sure on how to define us until now, I have to ask: will you officially be mine?" 

Chan's smile seems to reach the corners of his face, he's grinning so powerfully. He hugs me and kisses my cheeks several times, saying "yes" between each kiss. 

"I love you, Soonyoung," he tells me through his adorable smile. 

"I love you too, Jagi," I respond, blushing at the couple name. 

" _Jagi_?" Chan asks, laughing. 

"I'm trying to be cute! Do you not like it?" I chuckle, holding his hand in mine. 

He smiles lovingly. "Of course I like it." 

―

The rest of that day is blissful. There had not been any other moment preceding this one that I had felt more at peace with existence. The sun was shining brighter than normal then. I remember cruising home in the twilight, and falling asleep on Seungcheol's living room floor, surrounded by my best friends, after eating pizza and watching movies all night. Chan fell asleep half on top of me, his face nuzzled in my neck and his arm draped over my shoulder. I feel his rhythmic breathing against my chest and have no worry in the world. I can't help but to grin, because I know that even though there are very few moments that I can recall being this happy, I know that it's just the beginning of a long stream of beatific days with my angelic boy.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for giving me your support through my first story. i already have a meanie story in the works, so get hyped for that!! i promise it will have a ton of more planning for it than i ever gave Amusement Park lol. anyway, this story means a lot to me and im glad i could finish it in a way that im content with. i would like to thank all the fans that freaked out in the comments whenever something happened, i love u guys so much for that. thank you for all the kudos also, all my feedback helped motivate me to put out more for you guys. if you have any questions regarding anything tbh, comment them!! they could be about Amusement Park or the meanie story im starting or anythiNg !! tell me about your day in the comments pls ily all. see u later!! <3


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